Forever and Always

The seconds, minutes, and hours after Asher was born are some of the most painful, yet most beautiful memories ever.  Memories I have played over and over in my head countless times since that day.  There is not a minute that goes by that I do not picture that beautiful face of his and wonder what he is doing right at that moment.

I loved Asher from the very minute I found out I was pregnant.  And with every passing day, I loved that sweet boy more and more.  I wasn't sure I could quite possibly love him any more than I already did, until he was born.  His tiny little hands and little toes, his sweet little nose and mouth, and his red hair...every part of him just melted my heart.  He was beautiful.

The minutes after Asher was born were a bit crazy to say the least, it felt like a whirlwind.  He was born totally unexpectedly so Sam had to frantically call our family and tell them to come now.  I don't think he even told them what happened, he just managed to say get here now through his tears.  A quick phone call was also made to our dear friend and photographer, as well as our pastor.

Sam was able to cut the cord and we watched as our nurse gave sweet Asher a bath in front of us.  I think Sam and I were still in shock that Asher was here, so sitting back watching the nurse give him a bath gave us a minute to catch our breath and let everything soak in.  She wrapped him up in a blanket and put a tiny hat on his head and gave him to me to hold.  Through the tears I held on to that little boy so tight, trying to soak up every part of him, so I would never forget.

Our parents arrived with tear filled eyes.  Each of them held their grand baby and gave that little boy nothing but love.  He was passed around, hugged, and kissed.  It touched my heart to see the love in that room that day, images and feelings I will never forget.

A good friend snuck into the room and took tons of pictures of everyone with Asher.  You can see the pain in these pictures, but you can also see the joy and beauty.  I cannot thank her enough for these pictures, they are absolutely beautiful, I will treasure them forever.

Our Pastor baptized Asher and prayed a beautiful prayer over our little boy.  A prayer that I do not remember the words, I just remember that it was absolutely beautiful and warmed my heart knowing that our baby was resting in the arms of Jesus right at that moment.  Thank you Annie and thank you Sean for being a part of our day, we are forever grateful to both of you!

We spent our day being Asher's mommy and daddy.  We held him, we kissed him, we rocked him.  We took his foot prints, we attempted making sand prints with his tiny feet.  We read him stories.  We laughed.  We cried.  We admired every thing about him.  We prayed.  We took a million pictures.  We cuddled.  We did nothing but love on him!

One of my favorite moments was me holding Asher, while Sam was sitting beside us reading to him. We brought two special books with us to the hospital:  On the night you were born and I'll love you forever.  Sam started reading I'll love you forever and when he couldn't read anymore, his mom picked up.  And sang,"I'll love you forever.  I'll like you for always.  As long as I'm living my baby you will be."  It was beautiful and brings tears to my eyes just thinking about it.  There was not a dry eye in that room.

Our parents said their goodbyes later in the afternoon.  It was hard watching them say goodbye and leave, but I am so grateful for the quiet moments we had with just the three of us.  We opted not to bring Micah to the hospital.  He would have yanked every cord out in about 30 seconds and would have been doing circles around the room.  We felt it was best to keep him away from the hospital since he wouldn't understand what was really going on.  We got Asher dressed and wrapped him in his prayer shawl.  He also had a crochet lei around his neck, a gift from one of the midwives.  We talked with our sweet boy and prayed over him.  We were given as much time as we needed with Asher and I am so thankful for that.

Around 7pm, we were discharged from the hospital.  The hardest moment of my life was leaving Asher in the arms of someone else.  It was painful.  We left Asher in the arm's of our midwife, who was surrounded by a few nurses.  These people are near and dear to my heart, I'm not sure they will ever know or understand how much they mean to me; they are forever part of Asher's story.  Walking out of that quiet hospital with empty arms was really hard, a feeling no one will understand unless you too have walked those steps.  A feeling I will never forget.  A part of me will always be missing.

And when we walked to our car, there was a rainbow off in the distance.  Yes, we live in Hawaii and see rainbows all the time, but I still am in awe each time.  I never take their meaning or timing lightly.  In that moment I felt the sense of it's all going to be okay.

I can honestly say that I have never felt the presence of God as much as I did that day in that labor and delivery room.  He was there and where we are weak, He makes us strong.  I can fully attest to that.  Looking back, I think to myself, how did we do that?  How did we make it through that day?  There is no other answer, except that we were carried.  In the midst of so much sadness and so much chaos, He was there.  There was a peace in that hospital room that I will never be able to explain.

Though Asher may be physically gone, he will forever live on in my heart.  I am thankful for the promise of heaven and eternity.  I am hopeful that I will see my sweet baby boy again one day.

                                                 

See you Soon

The day Asher was born is a day I want to remember for the rest of my life.  His story is filled with much heartache, but it is sealed with so much love and joy.  July 3 is a day I will never forget, nor do I ever want to forget.  I want to remember every last detail of that day, which is why this post is so important to me.  It may be too much for some to read and that is totally fine.  I am writing this for my recollection because this bittersweet day was one of the best and worst days of my life...a day that has forever changed me.

It all started on July 2.  I woke up in a grumpy kind of mood, almost like I had a funny feeling that something was about to happen.  They say us moms just know these kind of things and it turned out this mom was right.  The ultrasound technician could not find any pockets of fluid around Asher, which meant that it was time to deliver our little boy.  The doctor came in our room and was overly excited and enthusiastic that we were going to have a baby today.  We looked at him with tear filled eyes and thankfully he got the hint and left the room.  I struggled with his happiness, I honestly wanted to punch him in the face.  Did he not understand what all of this meant?  I was only 36 weeks pregnant and delivering our baby meant walking into a whole new chapter I wasn't quite ready to face.

The midwife came into our room with a much nicer and calmer demeanor.  She discussed how we were feeling and informed us that we would be admitted to the hospital today.  She took care of our every need and was extremely helpful with anything and everything we asked.  We were given a large room at the end of the hall, it was rather secluded and away from all of the hustle and bustle.

We were totally unprepared and were expecting that we would at least have time to go home and get our belongings.  That wasn't the case at all!  So after a quick few phone calls and some text messages arranging babysitters for Micah we got everything worked out!  So thankful for family who took care of all the details at home and brought us everything we needed at the hospital.  And especially thankful for dear friends who took such good care of Micah while we were at the hospital.  I am so grateful for all of you!

This started the long long long day at the hospital.  It was around 11 or 12 that they finally started my IV and all that good stuff.  After a few mishaps with the IV, the 3rd one was finally secure and in a good place on my arm.  A gourmet lunch (Wendy's) was delivered by our wonderful family and we were ready to take on the day.

I had Micah when I was 41 weeks pregnant.  My body was not ready or at all prepared to have a baby at 36 weeks, so my body had to play a lot of catching up in a short amount of time.  This was not ideal for me or Asher.  We knew that the induction could take a long time and it did.  By Wednesday evening there was not a lot of progress.  Our families were home sleeping waiting for a phone call to come to the hospital.

After many hours of cards and a very restless night I remember looking over at Sam and getting very panicky.  He prayed for sweet Asher and talked to our little boy.  It had been a while since I had felt him move and because of that I was starting to feel extremely anxious.  We chose not to have a fetal monitor during delivery because it would have crushed us knowing we had lost him.  Our sweet nurse came in and stood by my bedside and held my hand.  None of us had any idea what was going on with Asher, but we continued to be hopeful.

At some point in the middle of the night I opted to have an epidural.  I was not in excruciating pain, but I was extremely anxious and panicky.  The induction was taking much longer than I expected and wanted.  I knew the longer it took, the more stress it was putting on Asher.  I was worried and tired and it was impossible for me to relax.  The epidural calmed me down some and even allowed me to get a little sleep.

The doctor came in early in the morning and stated that the pitocin didn't seem to be working, so they may need to look at other options in the next few hours.  I felt defeated and had this funny feeling that we had already lost our sweet little boy.  At this point it was so hard to be hopeful because labor had been going on for so long and we knew what that meant for Asher.

Our family was still at home waiting for the call to come to the hospital.  We were thinking we would have time to call them when things were getting close, so they could be in the waiting room when Asher was born.  Unfortunately, that was not the case.

Around 9am, one of my monitors was beeping because the contraction machine had run out of paper. The nurse came in and that was when Sam noticed a spot on my sheet and mentioned it to the nurse.  We were thinking maybe the catheter was leaking or something.  My epidural was extremely strong, so I could not feel anything.  The nurse peeked under the blanket and stated that she was going to go get the doctor.  We did not think anything of it.  When they came back in our room, our world came crashing down on us.  The doctor said, "You are really numb.  Asher is here."  Our sweet boy was born into the arms of Jesus at 9:09 in the morning on July 3.  He weighed 4 pounds 3.7 ounces and was 18 inches long.  He was absolutely beautiful.  He was and forever will be our sweet little Asher.  And we will forever be his mommy and daddy.

This is enough for now, but I plan on sharing about all the bittersweet moments we had with our sweet little boy that day and all the love we gave him before we had to say see you soon.