You Are My Sunshine

In true typical Erin fashion, when I plan something outdoors, mother nature decides it should rain.  Take my wedding for example, I had always dreamed of having an outside wedding.  Well, the week prior to our wedding, it rained and rained and rained.  There was a hurricane on the coast and it was sending lots and lots of rain.  All week my dad kept saying those dreaded words, "Erin, what if it rains?  We need a back up plan."  There was a tent covering the back deck, so if need be the ceremony could be held there.  Time for the rehearsal, what was it doing?  Raining buckets, I mean it was so loud on that deck that we could not even hear each other talk.  Time for the wedding, what was it doing?  It was absolutely beautiful out!

The weather forecasts often predicts rain when I plan things, please take note of that if you ever want me to plan something for you.  With that said, the weather channel is normally wrong, and it usually turns out to be a beautiful day!  And oh what a beautiful day it was on August 2, the day of Asher's memorial service.

One of the main reasons that we went back Maryland was to have a memorial service for our sweet Asher, a service that all our family would be able to attend.  Asher was and always will be special to all of us and it was important for me that we were all able to celebrate him together.

I remember the night prior to the service, looking at my mom with tear filled eyes and saying how in the world am I going to be able to get through tomorrow?  There has been several times over the past months that I said those same words and each time I came out a tad bit stronger.  I have been carried, there is no way I have been able to endure all that has happened on my own; it is truly amazing to see God meet you right where you are, take your hand, and walk, drag, or carry you along.

The service started and I remember sitting there in the front row, looking at the pictures of my sweet boy on the table wondering if this was real life.  I was feeling extremely numb and kind of like I was watching all of this unfold before my eyes.

With a box of tissues, my husband beside me, and all my family behind me, we celebrated and memorialized our sweet Asher.  The service was beautiful beyond words, more perfect than I could have ever imagined.  The sun was shining, the breeze was blowing, I felt such a peace during that service.

We sang songs, shared stories, and my wonderful Uncle Rich talked about how God uses trials for our good.  He calls us to be faithful servants and to follow where He leads us.  Asher has taken us all to a place we never imagined we would be.  He has caused us to ask God why.  He has forced us to come together as one.  He has strengthened us.  He has caused our faith to grow deeper.  He has brought us to our knees.  He has made us love more.  And all that was part of God's perfect plan.

Asher was given his first lacrosse stick at the service and now it is hanging in Poppy's office on the wall of fame.  This was a total surprise to me and I couldn't think of a better gift to give our little boy.  We are a lacrosse loving family, in case you didn't know.  We all played lacrosse, I don't think we had much of a choice, did we dad?

Since we knew we would not be in Hawaii forever, we opted to have Asher cremated.  To us, cremation just made sense.  Asher was created from the dust.  There seemed something so pure about having him in his original "state of being."  Just like the song, You make beautiful things, you make beautiful things out of the dust.  We took his dust and planted a tree in my parent's yard in remembrance of him.  The tree is a Crepe Myrtle, which means it will bloom every July for Asher's birthday!  We all took turns placing a shovel full of dirt around the tree and finished with a beautiful prayer around that tree as we were all holding hands.

And ended it all with fellowship, laughter, and good ol' Maryland crabs!

I look back on that day and just smile, it was beautiful and touching and sad and happy all wrapped into one!

The Promise

While we were on the mainland, we spent some time in Virginia visiting my in laws.  My father-in-law is a pastor, so on Sunday morning we all piled in the church pew for church, kids and all!  The people at this church were familiar with our story and have been faithfully praying for us over the past few months.  After church, several people came up to us and gave us hugs and said they were continuing to think and pray for us.  One gentleman in particular will always stick out in my mind.  He pulled Sam aside after church and said that he had lost twin girls years ago.  They were born premature and due to the lack of medical knowledge at that time, they only survived 8 hours.  Sam shared all of this with me in the car on our way home and come to find out this gentlemen had lost his dear wife 3 months ago.  The only thing I could think about was the smile that must be on that lady's face because she has been reunited with her sweet baby girls in heaven.  The thought that she is hugging and kissing her babies again brought tears to my eyes.  I anxiously look forward to the day where I get to do the same with our sweet Asher.  Oh the promise of heaven and eternity! 

I have always known heaven was up there and that it is our forever home.  A home free of pain and suffering, a home filled with joy, a home filled with peace, a home spent worshiping our Lord and Savior.  Now that is a place I want to call home!  I find myself thinking of heaven quite often these days because I know Asher is whole and complete up there loving life.  So often when I am driving in the car, I find myself looking up at the sky wondering what is going on up there and what my little boy is up to.  I want him to be here with us more than anything, but if he has to be somewhere away from us, there is no better place than to be playing trucks in heaven with our Father.

Sam and I created Asher, he is our child.  I carried him in my belly for 9 beautiful months.  Part of me and part of Sam and even part of Micah is up there in heaven.  I feel like I have a personal connection with heaven and maybe that's why I think of it so often.  I'm not sure what it is, but regardless I am thankful for the change of mindset that Asher has brought on.  Instead of worrying about petty stuff, it seems more fitting to smile and say it's all going to be okay.  None of that stuff matters, money is just money and we can't take it with us.  Worrying is not going to make anything better.  Planning is silly because we all know what happens when we plan things.  I have so much more of an eternal mindset than I ever did before.  This place is not my home, we are just passing through.

However, as it is written:  "What no eye has seen, what no ear has heard, and what no human mind has conceived"-the things God has prepared for those who love him-  1 Corinthians 2:9

My Sweet Asher

It has been one month since we said hello and see you soon to Asher.  My heart still aches for Asher and my arms still long to hold him again.  The pain is still so raw and most days I feel like I am on a roller coaster.; life without him is so hard.  This is the letter I wrote to the little boy who changed my life and made me a better mommy because of it.

My Sweet Asher,

I found out I was pregnant with you on your brother’s first birthday. I couldn’t wait to FaceTime with your daddy and tell him the news. We were overjoyed to say the least. From the minute I saw those two faint lines on that test I was so in love with you. And with every passing day I loved you even more.

As the road got rougher, you got stronger. The doctors gave us the option to terminate the pregnancy and we knew that was not an option, we knew that God had a bigger plan for you. A bigger plan than I ever imagined. I knew your dad and I were chosen to be yours parents and love you like we would any other child. The medical world said you were not compatible with life, but your kicking in my belly told me otherwise. You my sweet boy were such a fighter and you fought until the end.

I miss you more than words can say; I will always miss you. I will miss hearing your heart beat. I will miss those mornings watching Thomas with Micah on my lap and you kicking in my belly. I will miss your little face and those tiny little hands. I will miss watching you dig in the dirt and play in the ocean. I will miss the sound of your voice. I will miss teaching you how to play lacrosse. I will miss hugging and kissing you. I will miss watching your grow up. I will miss watching you and your daddy work on cars together. I will miss being your mommy and kissing all of your boo boos. I will miss reading stories and praying with you. I will miss teaching you how to ride a bike. I will miss your smile and the sound of you laughing. I will miss the pitter patter of your feet upstairs. I will miss watching you play along side your big brother. My heart aches thinking of all the things I will miss about you.

I’m not sure why you had to go so soon; I will never understand that. But it brings me comfort knowing your short time with us here on earth was so meaningful. I pray that you know how much you are loved by all of us, and how your life has impacted us all. You were sent to us for a reason and I am forever thankful for you. You taught us more than you will ever know. Thank you for teaching us how to love with no limits. Thank you for reminding us how special this life is and that none of it should be taken for granted. Thank you for teaching me to be strong and fight. Thank you for opening my eyes and my heart. Thank you for inspiring me to write and reach out to others. Thank you for showing me what is really important in life. I will forever be changed because of you.

I carried you all your life and will cherish the time we had together for as long as I live. While you were with me you never knew anything except warmth, love, and happiness. I love knowing that Jesus greeted you when you first opened your eyes.

Though you may be physically gone, you will forever live on in my heart. I am thankful for the promise of heaven and eternity. I am hopeful that I will see you again one day.

I love you with all of my heart and cannot wait to see you. See you soon my sweet boy.

All my love,
Mommy