Beauty in the Struggle: Joy and Tears

Life has been pretty quiet lately and I am extremely thankful for that. Sam took off a few days this past week, so we were able to soak up lots of time together as a family and bask in the beauty of Hawaii! Our days have been filled with botanical gardens, water falls, kayaking, beach time, house projects, birthday parties, playgrounds, friends, and just plain hanging out being lazy. We attempted kayaking in the bay the other day just to see how Micah would do. We ended up staying out for an hour and a half and had a really good time! The marina is near the hangars and flight line, so as we were out on the water the helicopters were coming in right over our heads. It was pretty awesome to see and Micah had a huge grin on his face the entire time! The past few days have been so nice and so needed. I think we both were started to feel worn down and really exhausted with everything that has been going on. I am feeling rejuvenated and ready to kick of a new week. Yesterday Sam treated me to a massage and today I got to sit on the beach and relax while the boys played in the sand! It was wonderful.

Last week we had an appointment with the pediatric cardiologist whom we are so grateful for. He had looked in our file and saw that we named our son Asher. The fact that he looked in to that and brought it up to us showed us how much he truly cared. He treated us like we were humans, but most importantly he treated us like he truly cared for our sweet Asher. He stated that he changed his perspective years ago in regards to babies with chromosome abnormalities. He understands that some very well do beat the odds and he has been able to witness that first hand. He said he would do whatever he needed to support us and I know that is completely true. We even shared with him our terrible experience with another doctor and he apologized for that and recommended another doctor who may be better suited for us. He definitely was going above and beyond what he needed to do. So thankful for wonderful doctor's who truly care about their patients.

As far as Asher's heart, he has a VSD, or ventricular septal defect, which is a hole between his lower chambers. This is something that will not cause him any trouble at the time of delivery, currently his heart is working perfectly fine and is not having to pump extra. This is something that would require surgery a few months down the road, and if the time comes, that is something we will deal with. For now, we are holding on to the fact that his heart will give him no trouble when he is born!

Our main concern lately has been when? When will things happen? And we brought this up with the cardiologist, despite the fact that he isn't our OB doctor we felt comfortable talking to him. We stated we wanted our families to be here when Asher is born, but we don't know how to go about that. He mentioned about being induced and that this would need to be discussed with the team of high risk doctors at their next meeting. Again, he went out of his way and said he would bring it up at the next meeting!

So fast forward a week, we called in and got the word that the doctors all agreed to schedule an induction at 39 weeks, which will be July 20. Praying that Asher keeps fighting! An induction is not ideal, I would much rather go in to labor naturally, but we feel an induction is best for us. Sam and I need our parents to be here for more reasons than one. We need their love, their support, their encouragement, their presence. We need them here to meet their sweet little grandson. And we need them here in the event that we need to make some really hard decisions, we do not want to do that alone. So with that said, we are so grateful that all of our parents will be flying in on July 16 and 17. Already knowing that they have booked their tickets had brought me a great sense of relief. Also a great sense of fear because I want all of this to work out, despite the fact that I have no control over it.

Life has been filled with so many joyful moments lately, but also so many tears. We have discussed birth plans and what we want to do in different situations. It is hard, never in my wildest dreams would I think I would have to be having this conversations with my husband. We have started the process of contacting funeral homes so we are better prepared. I know to you that may sound absolutely crazy, but we are strong right now, and I know that if we lose our sweet little boy, we will be so thankful that these arrangements have been taken care of ahead of time. We are also trying to prepare ourselves for whatever is to come, and that means we would like to be prepared financially for all of this as well. So instead of planning a nursery and picking out little outfits, we are forced to talk about scary things and make really scary phone calls. This is real and may be hard for you to read or understand, but this is our life.

It is scary knowing that things can change drastically any minute or any day. However, we have chosen not to live in fear and are continuing to move forward. I am over joyed that I am 32 weeks today, our time with this sweet little boy is precious! I am enjoying every jab, flip, and kick he makes, he sure does make me smile! And I know he is loving every minute of spending time with his family, especially Micah.

Thank you for the prayers, please continue to pray for our little family! This little boy may be small, but he is making such a difference in so many lives, and that brings us so much joy. Please pray for strength for Sam and I, as every day seems to get a little harder. Please pray that Asher would keep thriving! Please pray for a miracle for our sweet little boy who we love so much!