A Look Inside

How are you doing?  I get this question a lot, it seems like such a simple question, but man oh man is it hard to answer.  I feel good when I am busy, but the minute I see someone pregnant or a new mom strolling through the store with her newborn, my heart just sinks.  The minute I have nothing to do and I sit down for a minute, I find myself thinking about upcoming months and wondering how are we going to be able to do this.  Gosh, there are days where I feel like life is totally normal; well, I don't know what normal is these days, but sometimes life feels simple like the way it used to be.  Then I am quickly reminded that our time with Asher may very well be limited.  

If only you could be inside of my head and here all of the thoughts bouncing around up there, it is a bit chaotic to say the least.  I try to voice my thoughts and fears as often as I can because it helps me to say them aloud, which is part of the reason why I decided to start blogging again.  I am at this point where I have very conflicting thoughts in my head.  Do I prepare for this baby?  Do I pretend that he is going to be okay and that he will be coming home from the hospital with mommy and daddy and Micah?  Do I switch the rooms around and create this cozy space that I have imagined in my head where 2 little boys are going to sleep, play, and share so many memories together?  Or do I prepare for what the medical world says?  I have made a lot of decisions in my life, but nothing compares to any of the decisions we have had to make thus far during this pregnancy.  If I prepare for him to come home then I am in denial and if I prepare for the worst, then I have lost hope.  Now do you see what I mean about the thoughts in my head?  This is all so hard. 

Tomorrow we have our 20 week ultrasound screening.  I remember when I was pregnant with Micah I absolutely loved going to the doctor.  I loved seeing Micah on the screen and hearing his heart beat. Now I am terrified to go to the doctor.  I am scared of what news they will give us this time.  We have not seen a doctor since Asher's diagnosis, so I am uneasy about how they are going to approach us from here on out.  I am scared that there may no longer be a heart beat...Ah yes one day at a time Erin, I remind myself of this daily.  I tend to get way ahead of myself sometimes.  Life is hard, especially when it is out of your hands and totally out of your control.

I do not want to live in fear, but there are days where I am so scared of what the future holds.  I think that's why a lot of times I convince myself that everything is going to be okay with Asher, when deep down I know that may not be the case.  My husband keeps reminding me that it is good to be prepared for all outcomes, which is why we have talked through each one over the past week.  Despite the diagnosis and what the medical world tells us, we have decided to remain hopeful.  I remember when we first got the call about the abnormal quad screen.  My husband said to me, "Erin, just promise me that no matter what happens, you will not lose hope."  So we are hopeful, I know our God is bigger than any of this and what is supposed to happen will in His perfect timing. 

Thank you for listening to my thoughts.  I know they are sad and probably hard to read at times, but I appreciate each one of you so much.  I am thankful you have taken the time to read our story and even more grateful that you have taken the time to pray for our family.  

Just a little update on Hawaii:  The weekends are always my favorite time because we all get to be together as a family!  Unfortunately the last few weekends have been rainy, so we haven't made it to the beach.  I know exactly what you are thinking, gosh, I feel so bad for them!  Haha : )  Sam was supposed to go away for a few months on a work trip and his command felt that it was necessary that he stay home and be with me and Micah right now.  Praise God!  We are thankful for an extremely supportive command, I could not do this with him being so far away.  Micah is still extremely busy and extremely curious about everything.  He loves anything to do with helicopters and airplanes.  Thank goodness, we see helicopters several times daily out our window!  That's the latest in our little world way out here in the ocean.