Beauty in the Struggle: May 2014

Been a little few and far between on the blog posts lately. Mainly because I have been trying to make the most of every day and stay focused on my family. Micah, Asher, and Sam mean the world to me, and I am making every effort to enjoy the days I get with each of them. It seems like lately every time I get on Facebook I see a new blog link or a new gofundme site of a child or even an adult dealing with cancer or some life altering ailment. It is extremely overwhelming and breaks my heart. But more importantly it is a constant reminder that life is so so so very precious and we need to love the time we get with the people who mean the most to us. I have been squeezing Micah extra tightly lately and making sure my husband knows how much I appreciate him and how truly thankful I am that I get to share life with him. And of course treasuring every jab and kick Asher gives mommy! The sweet moments we get as a family are so precious to me and I pray that I will always be able to remember them and cherish them. I know that my life theme this year is so cherish the time because it can so easily be taken away from us.

I am now 30 weeks pregnant, not sure how that happened, seems like just yesterday I was 20 weeks wondering if I would ever even carry Asher to 30 weeks! Well, here we are, still going strong! Thank you God for continue to give us time with sweet Asher, time to cherish him and love him, time for him to be part of our family. I guess we are kind of in the home stretch right now, which is so terrifying to think about. I know I am supposed to be excited, but this pregnancy has been so different and I know most do not know what all this is like. It is hard, really hard to not know what is going to happen. I so badly want to know how much time we will get with Asher and how this will all play out, but unfortunately I must be patient and wait.

We had an ultrasound this morning, the first one in a little over a month. Going in to the appointment, I know Asher was alive and well because he is a little ninja boy inside my belly. However, I was still so anxious and nervous as to what we may find out at the appointment. Would they see something new? Overall, the appointment went very well. Asher mainly looks the same as he has in previous ultrasounds, which is good. Again, he is not your classic trisomy 13 baby, and we continue to hold on to that glimpse of hope. It appears that his kidneys are a bit brighter on the screen, whatever that may mean, we do not know, they just appear a little different than typical kidneys. He was uncooperative today, so we were unable to get a good picture of his heart, but we have an appointment with the cardiologist on Thursday. There was maybe a little extra fluid in an area of his head, but it was not at an abnormal level, and was nothing that would compromise his life. It is something that will continue to be monitored in case it gets worse. All in all, he still looks like a pretty normal little boy in there! Totally camera shy today and was content curled up in a ball. His hands and feet were in front of his face and he did not want us to get a picture of his little face this morning at all!!

I had my first taste of those not so nice doctors this morning. The ones who see these babies as nothing more than terminally ill, and yes she used those exact words when referring to Asher. It took everything I had to bite my tongue and not say anything to her. She was extremely insensitive and her words were very hurtful. We know what we are dealing with, we know the statistics, but we continue to remain hopeful. This is a real live human we are talking about here, but I got the feeling that we were not on the same page. Maybe she has never been in my shoes, okay fine, but there was no need to rip the hope out of the room and say well he is going to die for sure. She is only a doctor, she is not the giver and taker of life. Okay end rant! Anyways, I am praying that we can avoid her from here on out because she was anything but understanding and anything but supportive. She came off as though she did not know anything about trisomy 13, yet she knew our baby wasn't going to live. Yeah, no thank you lady, I don't want to waste my time with you. I will stick to doing my own research and continue my motto on surrounding myself with positive people who are going to support us and encourage us on this journey.

Another interesting fact that I have been reading about is how common preeclampsia is when carrying a trisomy 13 baby. Something with the coding in the long arm of the 13th chromosome that increases your chances. Preeclampsia is high blood pressure, often leads to bed rest and an early delivery because it can be harmful to both mom and baby. So another thing that I am now worried about! Please be praying specifically for this, that it does not happen. I have a toddler to take care of and he keeps me smiling and busy, I need that right now. I also know that the longer Asher stays in my belly, the better off he will be. My blood pressure is something that the midwives will continue to monitor on a monthly basis. I guess knowing it now helps me to mentally prepare for it in the event that it does happen.

Ended the day with a little retail therapy and few delicious chocolate chip cookies, 2 of my favorite things : )

Every day seems to get a little harder and the weight gets a little heavier, but I am not letting that get to me. I will not give up. There is always hope. The strength I have to get up and face each day certainly is not my own, there is no way I would even attempt to tackle this journey on my own. Anyone ever listen to the song Oceans by Hillsong? If you haven't, I highly recommend taking a listen to it. The words are so powerful.

"Your grace abounds in deepest waters
Your sovereign hand
Will be my guide
Where feet may fail and fear surrounds me
You've never failed and You won't start now"

And that explains why we will continue to keep going and keep fighting the good fight! Thanks for listening and thank you for the continued prayers in this journey. I pray that our story touches each of you and changes how you view circumstances and people around you. We all have so much to be thankful for. We all are also so broken and fighting our own battles, please know that we are all fighting these battles along side one another. We are not alone in this thing called life.

And that is a little glimpse into our lives that continue to be shaken to the core. God is doing something pretty powerful here, don't ask me what, but it is happening!

Happy Mother's Day! I am so blessed to know so many wonderful mommies and so many wonderful women who have all influenced me in one way or another. This mommy business sure is challenging and it is so comforting knowing we are not alone when it comes to raising our children. I am thankful for each of you who I know I can always count on to give me real advice when it comes to being the best mommy I can be.

Anyways, on a side note, I feel it is necessary to talk about all the stuff no one really wants to talk about. Mother's Day is hard for a lot of people, me being one of those people today. I know that today may very well be the only Mother's Day I get to physically spend with my sweet little Asher and it breaks my heart thinking that. I am beyond thankful and blessed that I get to spend this day with Asher kicking in my belly and Micah on my lap (for a second because he is the energizer bunny). I know there are many many many many many people in my shoes and today I am praying for each and every one of you. You are all so special to me.

I always thought that getting pregnant was simple and easy and that being pregnant was a breeze. Maybe a little oblivious to all the struggles people have and things that can really go wrong. Over the past few months, I have heard story after story of people struggling. Some women struggling to have children of their own, others who have miscarried, others who have had long and painful labors, others with severe complications after delivery, others who have lost their own child, and I could go on and on. All of you are amazing and I admire you so much. You each have sacrificed so much to be where you are today and that says a lot about all of you. Your stories, your hearts, your journeys have all been an encouragement to me over the past few months. We so easily put all of this messy stuff to the back burner and think that mother's day is such a happy day for everyone. I get it, I know that it is a hard day for so many people and brings on so many emotions of hurt, anger, grief, and just plain confusion. I am praying for each of you today, God has you right where you are in this very moment for a specific reason. Hold tight to him and He will see you through. I pray that you will feel his loving arms wrapped around you today and every day. I pray that beauty will come of the trials you are walking through. Thank you for being who you are and for being a mother to so many people, whether they are your own children or not.

Please hug your sweet babies extra tight today, they are truly a blessing!

This mommy business sure is hard stuff! I know I appreciate my own mom more and more every single day. On those days where I feel so exhausted from scooping Micah off the table for the millionth time. On those days where Micah cuddles up beside me and gives me the biggest hug. On those days where Micah is throwing every bit of his dinner all over the floor and walls. On those days where Micah's giggle brings the biggest smile to my face. On those days where I feel like my heart is so full with love. On those days where I don't know how I will make is through. On those days where I wonder what we ever did without our children. On those days where I wonder how Micah and Asher can bring us so much joy and happiness. On those days where I worry about if I am being a good enough mom and if I am doing enough for Micah. On those days where I worry about Asher and what will happen to him. On those days where I feel like super mom.

Thank you mom for being my best friend and the best role model of a mother. I know that every silly struggle, every smile, every laugh that my children bring me, you too have experienced in the same way. Thank you for loving me as much as you do, like only a mother can. I can now say that I honestly understand that type of love. Thank you for always being there and always supporting me. Thank you for standing beside me and walking this journey with me in the hardest days of my life. You are such a blessing to me and to Micah and Asher, we are beyond grateful to call you mom and Grammy!