Putting on a Front

We live in a world that is consumed with appearance.  We have to put on this front that we have it all together.  We have to wear the right clothes, do the right things, and say the right things.  We base our lives on how other people are or are not living their lives.  We can easily force ourself to fit into this perfect little mold, whether it is really us or not.  It is sad, to say the least.

I will be the first to tell you that this girl does not have it all together.  But because of all the images out there as to what we should be doing and what our houses should look like, I have really been struggling.  My husband tells me on a daily basis that we do not need to have it all together.  And day by day I am concentrating on that and trying to come to terms that I do not need to have it all together.

I am a mom, I have a crazy toddler, who is extremely active.  I don't get much done during the day because I focus most of my time on Micah.  I love being a mom, but I beat myself up that I can't always keep up with the house work.  It is daunting and never ending.  Then throw the grief issues into the mix, phew, yeah I am far from having anything together over here.  Anyone out there with me?

Grief is this thing that fits in no mold.  There is no right way or wrong way.  You just do what you do.  It's scary and I can honestly say that it is lonely.  I feel like no one gets me and no one knows what to say to me.  It's exhausting and painful.  It comes and goes in a matter of minutes or seconds or days.  It hits like a ton of bricks when you least expect it.  It is like nothing I have ever felt or experienced.

I remember reading something a while back about throwing your to do lists out when you are dealing with grief.  You should not put a time on getting stuff done because some days you need to just do nothing.  And you aren't going to be able to get stuff done, so looking at this never ending list is just going to make you feel worse.  I am the queen of making lists.  I LOVE making lists, sick I know, but it is totally the truth.  Nothing like getting something done and being able to cross it off, feels good right?  So imagine me when I read that you should avoid making to do lists.  I thought it was crazy and I of course have still been making lists.  Hmmmm maybe that's why I have been feeling so overwhelmed lately?

So I am opting out of my silly little never ending lists.  I am going to let go of the reins a little bit and see where that takes me.  If that means my house gets a little messy, then so be it.  My hope is that instead of focusing so much on having it all together, I can spend some more time getting myself together.  I spend so much of my time caring for my family, making sure laundry is done, dinner is made, dishes are clean, clothes put away, and the list goes on.  I tend to forget that it is just as important to take care of myself and my needs.  And part of that is feeling the pain of losing my sweet Asher.

So please, if you look at my Facebook page and my blog posts and my pictures and think I have it all together, you are so totally wrong.  I am far from having it together, I am just taking life one day at a time, trying to sort through all my thoughts and feelings, trying to make sense of this confusing world I live in, trying to find peace in the midst of my pain.

Life After Loss

Life after loss is hard, obviously, that's a given.  But it is so much more than just that; it is beautiful and sad and confusing and heartbreaking and emotional and lonely and joyful all mixed into one.

For most of you that have shared this journey with us, your lives have returned back to normal.  I cannot blame you for that and I cannot hold that against you.  But please understand that my life will never be normal again.  There will always be this sweet little boy missing from our family pictures.  There will always be a part of my heart missing.

Not only am I grieving the loss of sweet baby Asher.  I am grieving an entire lifetime of precious memories that I will never get to have with my sweet boy.  I am also grieving the mom that I used to be, the friend that I used to be, the wife that I used to, and the daughter that I used to be.  My life is different now, my outlook is different;  I am far from the same girl I used to be, no matter how much you think I may be.  Losing a child changes you.

Life must go on, believe me, I get that.  But this new life is quite different from what it used to be.  It's hard for me to be around new people.  I try to avoid engaging in conversation because I know the words are coming, "how many kids do you have?"  I tell them the truth and they get that look in their eyes like they are scared silly and terrified and just want to run away.  I lie to them because I want to avoid that reaction and I feel guilty like I am disowning my own child.  Tough stuff, let's just say that.  Please friends, keep this in mind when someone answers this question in a way you did not expect.  Talk with them, love them, support them, encourage them.  We want to share our child with you, we want the world to know we have a baby in heaven.  I long for people to talk about my sweet Asher, to say his name, it is music to my ears, it warms my heart.  

So you ask how can there be days filled with joy?  The love I have for Asher is like nothing I can explain.  I love Micah and I love my husband and I love my family with all of my heart.  But nothing will ever compare to the love and the connection I have with Asher.  The love I have for Asher runs so deep.  That boy is special, that about sums it up.  And that is how there is joy.  When I think of Asher, my heart is filled with joy because of the relationship I share with him.  The lessons he has taught me, the wisdom he has given me, the strength he has left me.

Joy because Asher has changed me; I am a better mom now than I ever was before.  Joy because my hurting and my story can bring someone else hope.  Joy because I have a God who loves me.  Joy because I get to see my baby boy again one day.  Joy because I have experienced a love like no other. Joy because I can wake up every day with a smile on my face.  Joy because I am loved and taken care of.  Joy because I have two handsome little boys, one here on earth and one watching over me in heaven.  Joy because there is hope after the storm.

So much has been taken from me.  So much pain, sorrow, and grief surrounds me.  So much it can be overwhelming at times.  But I cannot help but focus on the good and what has already and what will continue to happen because of Asher's story.  He may be physically gone, but I can tell you one thing, his story will continue to live on.

Very truly I tell you, you will weep and mourn while the world rejoices.  You will grieve, but your grief will turn to joy.  John 16:20