Putting on a Front

We live in a world that is consumed with appearance.  We have to put on this front that we have it all together.  We have to wear the right clothes, do the right things, and say the right things.  We base our lives on how other people are or are not living their lives.  We can easily force ourself to fit into this perfect little mold, whether it is really us or not.  It is sad, to say the least.

I will be the first to tell you that this girl does not have it all together.  But because of all the images out there as to what we should be doing and what our houses should look like, I have really been struggling.  My husband tells me on a daily basis that we do not need to have it all together.  And day by day I am concentrating on that and trying to come to terms that I do not need to have it all together.

I am a mom, I have a crazy toddler, who is extremely active.  I don't get much done during the day because I focus most of my time on Micah.  I love being a mom, but I beat myself up that I can't always keep up with the house work.  It is daunting and never ending.  Then throw the grief issues into the mix, phew, yeah I am far from having anything together over here.  Anyone out there with me?

Grief is this thing that fits in no mold.  There is no right way or wrong way.  You just do what you do.  It's scary and I can honestly say that it is lonely.  I feel like no one gets me and no one knows what to say to me.  It's exhausting and painful.  It comes and goes in a matter of minutes or seconds or days.  It hits like a ton of bricks when you least expect it.  It is like nothing I have ever felt or experienced.

I remember reading something a while back about throwing your to do lists out when you are dealing with grief.  You should not put a time on getting stuff done because some days you need to just do nothing.  And you aren't going to be able to get stuff done, so looking at this never ending list is just going to make you feel worse.  I am the queen of making lists.  I LOVE making lists, sick I know, but it is totally the truth.  Nothing like getting something done and being able to cross it off, feels good right?  So imagine me when I read that you should avoid making to do lists.  I thought it was crazy and I of course have still been making lists.  Hmmmm maybe that's why I have been feeling so overwhelmed lately?

So I am opting out of my silly little never ending lists.  I am going to let go of the reins a little bit and see where that takes me.  If that means my house gets a little messy, then so be it.  My hope is that instead of focusing so much on having it all together, I can spend some more time getting myself together.  I spend so much of my time caring for my family, making sure laundry is done, dinner is made, dishes are clean, clothes put away, and the list goes on.  I tend to forget that it is just as important to take care of myself and my needs.  And part of that is feeling the pain of losing my sweet Asher.

So please, if you look at my Facebook page and my blog posts and my pictures and think I have it all together, you are so totally wrong.  I am far from having it together, I am just taking life one day at a time, trying to sort through all my thoughts and feelings, trying to make sense of this confusing world I live in, trying to find peace in the midst of my pain.