Last week Sam and I sat in a white walled room talking to a complete stranger about how we were feeling and coping with all that has been going on. Ring a bell to anyone? Yup, we were chatting with a psychologist, which was suggested as something we do per our doctor. So we hesitantly agreed not knowing what we were getting ourselves in to. As many of you know, or maybe you do not know, but prior to being a mommy I was a drug and alcohol counselor. Day in and day out I heard story after story of people struggling. People who were broken people, desperate for someone to talk to and actually listen. What a humbling and eye opening experience it is to be on the other side of the desk.
We spent a lot of time talking about the grief process, which at first wanted to make me tell the guy that he was absolutely crazy to be talking about this when my little baby is still alive and kicking inside of me. I bit my tongue and went with the process. He further explained that the grief process is one that can be applied to all types of situations and circumstances in life. In our particular case, we are grieving the diagnosis, a diagnosis of trisomy 13, not what we would have ever dreamed our sweet little baby to have. He shared with us the benefit of being conscious of these steps so we are able to see where we are in the grief process and keep ourselves in check. We also spent a good deal of time talking about people and how people mean well in what they are saying, but things often do not come out of their mouths that way. Ahhhh isn't that the truth? We are all guilty of this one for sure! I am overly sensitive and take things way too personally, this is something I am working on because I know it brings me down. Anyways, please do not be afraid to say something to us, we know you all mean well and really we have no idea what to say either. We are just taking things one day at a time. This is our new normal, this is our life. Our life will continue to go on, but we are forever changed by our sweet Asher, and I know the changes are going to keep on coming. We are so thankful that you are sharing in this journey with us!
We spent Thursday afternoon meeting with our pediatric cardiologist followed by the genetic counselor. This doctor has been such a blessing to us! He tells the facts, but in a manner that is so genuine. I know that he cares about our Asher. He specifically said that he will not treat Asher any differently based on his diagnosis of Trisomy 13, this was very comforting to us. Anyways, after many pictures of Asher's heart, the doctor seems to think that he still has a hole in his heart that would require surgery down the road. At this point, just looking solely at his heart, Asher would have no problem at the time of delivery. A huge praise is that the blood flow through the umbilical cord to and from the placenta looked completely normal, whereas just a month ago it didn't look good. That means that Asher is getting what he needs and we pray that he will continue to grow and develop. God is good, He is the mastermind here.
The genetic counselor has opened up her office to us and just allows us to chat with her for as long as we need. We talked about Asher and what plans we have for him and how we are coping with everything. She is a sweet lady and has been nothing but helpful and supportive. It is nice sitting down and chatting with her because she knows the details of Asher's diagnosis so instead of people asking us questions, we are able to ask her questions and get some good feedback as well. Thank you God for placing such wonderful doctors and people into our lives during this time.
I am 23 weeks and still going strong! I am starting to really feel pregnant, which is both scary and exciting at the same time. Scary in the way that time is quickly moving by and we will soon know what God has planned for baby Asher. Scary in the way that strangers have started to ask me about the baby in my belly. Exciting in the way that there is a baby growing in my belly! Exciting in the way that God has entrusted us with this baby, how amazing is that? Exciting in the way that every day is a blessing and another day we get to spend with our sweet little boys.
Sunday, March 30, 2014
Tuesday, March 25, 2014
Hawaii Life
As of Sunday, we have officially been living in Hawaii for a year! It is hard to believe that a year has already gone by, time sure does seem to fly! I wish it would slow down just a bit, but since we can't control that we are making every effort to soak in all the beauty that we can here : )
Oh you live in Hawaii, gosh I feel so bad for you! We hear this a lot from our mainland friends, especially during those winter months when they are outside shoveling snow for the umpteenth time! But in all seriousness, we absolutely love living in Hawaii and feel so blessed for the opportunity to live here. I can't even begin to tell you what it looks like here, or what it is like living here and seeing God's beauty day in and day out! There are still a lot of days where I look out my windows and find myself thinking, is this really my home? I think you should probably just come visit and see for yourself, but I am warning you, you may not want to leave. The mountains and the ocean and the greenery and the vegetation, it is truly a sight to see and one to bask in. My husband always says that God must have had so much fun creating the islands of Hawaii. Each island is so different, yet breathtaking in it's own way. Alright, who is coming to visit? We have an extra bedroom to share with our friends!
Over the past year, we have been blessed with many new friendships and had we never moved here we would have never met any of these people! We have a wonderful street of neighbors who we get along with really well and hang out with frequently. It is so nice having people around to hang with, since all of our families are so far away. Hawaii has strengthened us and blessed us in more ways than we can say. Being far from all of our families is hard, but it makes us appreciate the time we have together so much more. God is using our time here in Hawaii to teach us a lot, and we are remaining open for all His teachings and many blessings.
As for Asher, sweet boy is still kicking in mommy's belly, Praise God! We are enjoying every day and making the most of every day we get to spend with this little guy. Doctor appointments days are the hardest for us and we have a few of those days coming up, please be in prayer for us, we appreciate it and you so much!
Here are some of my favorite moments from the past year:
Oh you live in Hawaii, gosh I feel so bad for you! We hear this a lot from our mainland friends, especially during those winter months when they are outside shoveling snow for the umpteenth time! But in all seriousness, we absolutely love living in Hawaii and feel so blessed for the opportunity to live here. I can't even begin to tell you what it looks like here, or what it is like living here and seeing God's beauty day in and day out! There are still a lot of days where I look out my windows and find myself thinking, is this really my home? I think you should probably just come visit and see for yourself, but I am warning you, you may not want to leave. The mountains and the ocean and the greenery and the vegetation, it is truly a sight to see and one to bask in. My husband always says that God must have had so much fun creating the islands of Hawaii. Each island is so different, yet breathtaking in it's own way. Alright, who is coming to visit? We have an extra bedroom to share with our friends!
Over the past year, we have been blessed with many new friendships and had we never moved here we would have never met any of these people! We have a wonderful street of neighbors who we get along with really well and hang out with frequently. It is so nice having people around to hang with, since all of our families are so far away. Hawaii has strengthened us and blessed us in more ways than we can say. Being far from all of our families is hard, but it makes us appreciate the time we have together so much more. God is using our time here in Hawaii to teach us a lot, and we are remaining open for all His teachings and many blessings.
As for Asher, sweet boy is still kicking in mommy's belly, Praise God! We are enjoying every day and making the most of every day we get to spend with this little guy. Doctor appointments days are the hardest for us and we have a few of those days coming up, please be in prayer for us, we appreciate it and you so much!
Here are some of my favorite moments from the past year:
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| Makapuu Lighthouse |
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| Home Sweet Home! |
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| Matsumoto Shave Ice |
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| Mother's Day hanging out at the North Shore |
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| Lighthouse again |
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| Diamond Head |
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| Mommy's Birthday! |
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| First official date night since we had Micah : ) |
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| Beach bum, this kid is living the dream! |
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| Shave Ice for Micah's birthday, I'd say he liked it! |
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| Visitors! |
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| Happy Birthday sweet boy!! |
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| Micah and Eli hanging at the beach! |
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| Not liking Santa so much, maybe next year :) |
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| Christmas in Hawaii |
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| Whale watching off the coast of Waikiki |
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| Goodmorning! Pill box hike |
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| USS Missouri |
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| Micah and Aunt Kelly |
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| Celebrating Christmas in January when daddy got home! |
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| Spouting Horn, Kauai |
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| The official announcement of Baby White # 2 |
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| Waimea Canyon, Kauai, the Grand Canyon of the Pacific |
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| Micah's first car, yikes! |
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| Walking with daddy |
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| A quiet morning at the beach |
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| Oh you know, just sitting in my water table |
Friday, March 21, 2014
Grateful
Grate-ful: warmly or deeply appreciative of kindness or benefits received; thankful
What am I grateful for? Oh my, I could think of a million and one things, but here are just some that really stick out to me. I am grateful for...a husband who loves me unconditionally and holds our family together. Micah, who continues to melt my heart day in and day out, he is the sweetest boy who has the goofiest personality...he keeps us smiling! And for Asher, you are already such a big part of our family and have opened our eyes to a whole new world. I am so grateful that I am starting to feel you moving, it's so reassuring knowing you are still in there fighting! 2 furry dogs, who don't seem to care that some days are so busy that they may get a little neglected, yet they love us just the same! A God who loves me even though I am so unworthy of all He has done and continues to do for me. A God who puts obstacles in my path, but does not forsake me. A God who is faithful and just. A family that is thousands of miles away, but makes every effort to show their support and love to us. And for all of the people, both strangers and friends who have come along beside us in this journey to encourage, support, and love us. So tell me, have you thought about what you are grateful for today?
It is easy to get caught up in the hustle and bustle of life and just go from one thing to the next, not even really thinking about what's really going on. It's easy to become tired and negative because our lives are so busy and demanding at times. That is why I think it is important to always focus on the good because no matter how rough we have it, we ALWAYS have so much to be thankful and grateful for!
Since Asher's diagnosis I have seen the hands of God at work. I have felt the prayers and felt a sense of peace that we are going to be okay. There are a few things I want to share with you because I know they are God "things" and all things I am extremely grateful for.
The first one being all of the texts, phone calls, cards, flowers, and messages we have received over the past few weeks. I'll be honest, most of them I have not responded to because I cannot find the words to say. Each message has meant the world to me and I have read them all several times. I can feel the love of God through your words and they bring me to tears every time. So thank you to all of you who have reached out to us, none of you had to say anything to us, but you felt you needed to and I am forever grateful for that. Your words keep us going!
The next one is something that people would call a coincidence, but I know that with God there are no coincidences. Everything happens for a reason and he puts people in our lives for a reason. My sister in law has a friend who moved to Hawaii shortly after we did. We tried to connect, but it seemed something always came up and we couldn't actually get together. About a month ago, I ran into her at Target, a few weeks before we started to receive the news about Asher. And soon after we found out there was something wrong with Asher, I ran in to her again at Whole Foods. She continued to say to me that she was praying for me and that she knew exactly what we were going through. I didn't even know what all this meant until I looked at her blog. It turns out that her sweet little angel had trisomy 13. Coincidence? No way! I am so thankful for her, we have not actually had the time to sit down and chat, but she has continued to reach out and support us in any way that she can. I know that this is a hard path for her to walk with us because I can only imagine the memories it brings back, but it is so comforting having someone who has been in our shoes and to see the joy she has.
I have been very selective about how I spend my time and who I spend my time with. I like to keep busy, but I also like the quiet time at home with just Micah and me. It's not that I am avoiding people, I just want to spend my time in a way that is encouraging, uplifting, and fulfilling. I do not want to be around negativity because there is no place for it. We recently started a play group at church and yesterday was my first day attending. I'll be honest, I was a little hesitant to go because I didn't think everyone knew about Asher and sometimes it is hard to talk about. I am SO glad I went yesterday. I left there feeling so rejuvenated. We sat around and chatted while the kiddos played and ended our time praying for each other. It was a simple 2 hours spent with wonderful, Godly women, who totally raised my spirits. Women who I know will continue to pray for our family and will continue to walk this journey with us. Some I hardly know, but I am so excited and encouraged to see what God will do through all of us at a silly little play group. And people think God doesn't care about the small stuff? Of course he cares about a little play group all the way out in Hawaii and He is totally at work among us!
And the last one is pretty amazing! I joined a few trisomy pages on Facebook in hopes of meeting people who had been in our shoes and people who could offer support as we embark on this journey. I don't look at many posts on these pages or frequent them very often, however, the other day I happened to see one and it caught my eye. I read the post and saw the someone commented who was also 21 weeks along! I also commented and informed her that we were in the same place in our pregnancy and a few minutes later I got a friend request from her. We immediately started chatting on Facebook and found out we had so much in common. We are both 21 weeks pregnant with little boys. I am due on July 27 and she is due on July 28! We are both from the wonderful state of Maryland and both have active toddlers keeping us busy on a daily basis! Her little boy has been diagnosed with trisomy 18, which is a slightly different diagnosis than ours, but they are more similar than different. I even found out she is naming her little guy Micah. We have both chosen to celebrate our little babies and to choose joy in a situation that others would call a tragedy. Too much stuff going on there to be coincidental if you ask me! We have been chatting on and off over the past few days and it has been such a blessing. I know she is an encouragement to me and I hope that I can be the same for her! It has been so nice to chat with her about our sweet little babies and I know that they are going to be the best of buddies when the Lord decides to bring them home. Please as your pray for our baby Asher, could you also pray for her baby Micah?
And this is why I am continually looking for all the blessings in this situation because there are so many and I know they will keep on coming. Because even in the midst of darkness, confusion, and anxiousness, there is so much beauty to be found. Could you imagine if we lived in a world that focused on the blessings we have and all the good that surrounds us instead of all the negative junk that fills our head? Oh what a place that would be! Praise God, that someday we get to be in a place even better than that : )
I know each of you who reads our blog and reaches out to us has been put in our life for a reason. And I am eternally grateful for all of you.
What am I grateful for? Oh my, I could think of a million and one things, but here are just some that really stick out to me. I am grateful for...a husband who loves me unconditionally and holds our family together. Micah, who continues to melt my heart day in and day out, he is the sweetest boy who has the goofiest personality...he keeps us smiling! And for Asher, you are already such a big part of our family and have opened our eyes to a whole new world. I am so grateful that I am starting to feel you moving, it's so reassuring knowing you are still in there fighting! 2 furry dogs, who don't seem to care that some days are so busy that they may get a little neglected, yet they love us just the same! A God who loves me even though I am so unworthy of all He has done and continues to do for me. A God who puts obstacles in my path, but does not forsake me. A God who is faithful and just. A family that is thousands of miles away, but makes every effort to show their support and love to us. And for all of the people, both strangers and friends who have come along beside us in this journey to encourage, support, and love us. So tell me, have you thought about what you are grateful for today?
It is easy to get caught up in the hustle and bustle of life and just go from one thing to the next, not even really thinking about what's really going on. It's easy to become tired and negative because our lives are so busy and demanding at times. That is why I think it is important to always focus on the good because no matter how rough we have it, we ALWAYS have so much to be thankful and grateful for!
Since Asher's diagnosis I have seen the hands of God at work. I have felt the prayers and felt a sense of peace that we are going to be okay. There are a few things I want to share with you because I know they are God "things" and all things I am extremely grateful for.
The first one being all of the texts, phone calls, cards, flowers, and messages we have received over the past few weeks. I'll be honest, most of them I have not responded to because I cannot find the words to say. Each message has meant the world to me and I have read them all several times. I can feel the love of God through your words and they bring me to tears every time. So thank you to all of you who have reached out to us, none of you had to say anything to us, but you felt you needed to and I am forever grateful for that. Your words keep us going!
The next one is something that people would call a coincidence, but I know that with God there are no coincidences. Everything happens for a reason and he puts people in our lives for a reason. My sister in law has a friend who moved to Hawaii shortly after we did. We tried to connect, but it seemed something always came up and we couldn't actually get together. About a month ago, I ran into her at Target, a few weeks before we started to receive the news about Asher. And soon after we found out there was something wrong with Asher, I ran in to her again at Whole Foods. She continued to say to me that she was praying for me and that she knew exactly what we were going through. I didn't even know what all this meant until I looked at her blog. It turns out that her sweet little angel had trisomy 13. Coincidence? No way! I am so thankful for her, we have not actually had the time to sit down and chat, but she has continued to reach out and support us in any way that she can. I know that this is a hard path for her to walk with us because I can only imagine the memories it brings back, but it is so comforting having someone who has been in our shoes and to see the joy she has.
I have been very selective about how I spend my time and who I spend my time with. I like to keep busy, but I also like the quiet time at home with just Micah and me. It's not that I am avoiding people, I just want to spend my time in a way that is encouraging, uplifting, and fulfilling. I do not want to be around negativity because there is no place for it. We recently started a play group at church and yesterday was my first day attending. I'll be honest, I was a little hesitant to go because I didn't think everyone knew about Asher and sometimes it is hard to talk about. I am SO glad I went yesterday. I left there feeling so rejuvenated. We sat around and chatted while the kiddos played and ended our time praying for each other. It was a simple 2 hours spent with wonderful, Godly women, who totally raised my spirits. Women who I know will continue to pray for our family and will continue to walk this journey with us. Some I hardly know, but I am so excited and encouraged to see what God will do through all of us at a silly little play group. And people think God doesn't care about the small stuff? Of course he cares about a little play group all the way out in Hawaii and He is totally at work among us!
And the last one is pretty amazing! I joined a few trisomy pages on Facebook in hopes of meeting people who had been in our shoes and people who could offer support as we embark on this journey. I don't look at many posts on these pages or frequent them very often, however, the other day I happened to see one and it caught my eye. I read the post and saw the someone commented who was also 21 weeks along! I also commented and informed her that we were in the same place in our pregnancy and a few minutes later I got a friend request from her. We immediately started chatting on Facebook and found out we had so much in common. We are both 21 weeks pregnant with little boys. I am due on July 27 and she is due on July 28! We are both from the wonderful state of Maryland and both have active toddlers keeping us busy on a daily basis! Her little boy has been diagnosed with trisomy 18, which is a slightly different diagnosis than ours, but they are more similar than different. I even found out she is naming her little guy Micah. We have both chosen to celebrate our little babies and to choose joy in a situation that others would call a tragedy. Too much stuff going on there to be coincidental if you ask me! We have been chatting on and off over the past few days and it has been such a blessing. I know she is an encouragement to me and I hope that I can be the same for her! It has been so nice to chat with her about our sweet little babies and I know that they are going to be the best of buddies when the Lord decides to bring them home. Please as your pray for our baby Asher, could you also pray for her baby Micah?
And this is why I am continually looking for all the blessings in this situation because there are so many and I know they will keep on coming. Because even in the midst of darkness, confusion, and anxiousness, there is so much beauty to be found. Could you imagine if we lived in a world that focused on the blessings we have and all the good that surrounds us instead of all the negative junk that fills our head? Oh what a place that would be! Praise God, that someday we get to be in a place even better than that : )
I know each of you who reads our blog and reaches out to us has been put in our life for a reason. And I am eternally grateful for all of you.
Tuesday, March 18, 2014
Rough Road
The sign read ROUGH ROAD. Was this a sign depicting my life? Nope, it was a silly sign on the side of the road warning me of the rough road ahead. Immediately as I read the sign I chuckled, but then it got me thinking about this rough road thing.
This path we have been chosen to take is certainly not easy and most would consider it to be a rough road to travel on. If you gave me a choice between an easy road and a rough road, I would most likely pick the easy road. Would you agree? Easy is...well, easy. Have you ever sat down and thought about the path that your life has taken you? Who is in the driver seat? Are you in control or have you let go of the reins and let God direct your path? Wow, if you would have told me that at the age of 25 I would be married, a military spouse, a mommy, living in Hawaii, and carrying my second baby whose life with us may be limited I would have told you that you were absolutely crazy! And when I sit back and look how I got here, I know it was all totally a God thing, there are no other explanations for how blessed I have been and where my life has taken me. Can you relate?
And I know it is a God thing that I am blessed to be Asher's mommy and travel down this rough road. Now, my rough road may be totally different than your rough road and that is okay, that is the beauty of life. But regardless, there is no way I would have openly chose this path for myself, but I can honestly say that I am grateful for the path that I am on. I am blessed for the time that I have with this little boy, whether it be in my belly or on the outside. This path has stretched me in ways I didn't know I could stretch. It has tested my faith in ways I did not know were possible. But most important, it has allowed me to fully rely on God to guide my every step. It is safe to say that I have never been a road like the one I am currently on. Scary, yes extremely. Doable, yes totally with God guiding and strengthening us every step of the way!
"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." Jeremiah 29:11
Thursday, March 13, 2014
And my faith will be made stronger
Our calendar lately has quickly filled up with doctor's appointment after doctor's appointment. Yesterday we had our 20 week ultrasound appointment. I remember in the beginning of this pregnancy thinking how spoiled I was with my first pregnancy because I had 2 scheduled ultrasounds. To date, I have already had 5 ultrasounds and that number will continue to go up. Yes, I am over joyed that we get to see Asher so much, I just wish it was under different circumstances.
Prior to this appointment, I felt as though I was doing okay. Then the minute we got into the office and I had to wait there watching pregnant woman after pregnant woman walk out and come in the office with huge smiles on their face, I began to quickly lose it. I turned to my husband and said I don't want to do this, let's get out of here. He gave me a hug and promised me that we would get through this together and we did.
It was a tough appointment. In a lot of ways I felt like it was a huge slap in the face. Over the past 2 weeks Asher had grown the expected amount, which was good news. But the doctor said that he expected his growth to get worse as the visits continue. The doctor also said that based on what he was seeing, Asher's heart defect may not be as severe as they originally suspected. We won't know more until we see the pediatric cardiologist in a few weeks. Again, this was good news, but it was followed by a reminder that these babies often do not make it to term and if they do, they typically do not live long. I understand the doctor was just doing his job, but we as parents already know what we are dealing with here. For us to be constantly reminded of it is hard, really really hard. No parent ever wants to hear those words about their unborn child.
On a good note, I am extremely grateful for all of the doctors who have taken an interest in Asher's life. They could very easily write us off and say he isn't going to live, therefore he isn't worth their time. Instead, they have spent extra time answering all our questions, encouraging us to call at any time, and been over-accommodating to all of our needs. They have been patient and offering support during a time that is probably uncomfortable for them as well. They may just be doing their job and doing what they have to do, but it is greatly appreciated. The doctors also fully confirmed that Asher's karyotype is full Trisomy 13.
There are moments and days where I would like to wish this nightmare away, but I know that is not possible. I am quickly reminded that we have a choice in this situation: we can choose to be happy to have this sweet child, or we can choose to think why us and be miserable. Sam and I are not miserable people, we try to enjoy life as much as we possibly can. At the young ages of 25 and 30, this is by far the hardest hand we have ever been dealt, but we are not giving up. We are choosing joy and choosing to be happy because we are able to carry this little boy and love him as much as he deserves. Every day with Asher is a gift we have been given and a battle he has already won. Time is precious with this sweet little guy, but that is not changing the way we feel about him or the situation we have been chosen to endure.
My prayer is that people would continue to read our story and that lives would be changed because of it. Please share and pass this story on to as many people as you would like. Some of you we may not even know, but I do know that each one of your prayers is heard and that matters to us. We are broken people, just like everyone else, and we are not relying on our own two feet to get us through. Thank goodness for a Savior who loves us unconditionally and will see us through to the end! I know I need to remind myself of this often, we are not alone in this thing called life.
Our emotional whirlwind of a day ended with a much needed chocolate peanut butter banana milkshake from Teddy's Bigger Burgers, yummy! And the sweetest little boy saying night night for the first time, his little voice just melts my heart!
Prior to this appointment, I felt as though I was doing okay. Then the minute we got into the office and I had to wait there watching pregnant woman after pregnant woman walk out and come in the office with huge smiles on their face, I began to quickly lose it. I turned to my husband and said I don't want to do this, let's get out of here. He gave me a hug and promised me that we would get through this together and we did.
It was a tough appointment. In a lot of ways I felt like it was a huge slap in the face. Over the past 2 weeks Asher had grown the expected amount, which was good news. But the doctor said that he expected his growth to get worse as the visits continue. The doctor also said that based on what he was seeing, Asher's heart defect may not be as severe as they originally suspected. We won't know more until we see the pediatric cardiologist in a few weeks. Again, this was good news, but it was followed by a reminder that these babies often do not make it to term and if they do, they typically do not live long. I understand the doctor was just doing his job, but we as parents already know what we are dealing with here. For us to be constantly reminded of it is hard, really really hard. No parent ever wants to hear those words about their unborn child.
On a good note, I am extremely grateful for all of the doctors who have taken an interest in Asher's life. They could very easily write us off and say he isn't going to live, therefore he isn't worth their time. Instead, they have spent extra time answering all our questions, encouraging us to call at any time, and been over-accommodating to all of our needs. They have been patient and offering support during a time that is probably uncomfortable for them as well. They may just be doing their job and doing what they have to do, but it is greatly appreciated. The doctors also fully confirmed that Asher's karyotype is full Trisomy 13.
There are moments and days where I would like to wish this nightmare away, but I know that is not possible. I am quickly reminded that we have a choice in this situation: we can choose to be happy to have this sweet child, or we can choose to think why us and be miserable. Sam and I are not miserable people, we try to enjoy life as much as we possibly can. At the young ages of 25 and 30, this is by far the hardest hand we have ever been dealt, but we are not giving up. We are choosing joy and choosing to be happy because we are able to carry this little boy and love him as much as he deserves. Every day with Asher is a gift we have been given and a battle he has already won. Time is precious with this sweet little guy, but that is not changing the way we feel about him or the situation we have been chosen to endure.
My prayer is that people would continue to read our story and that lives would be changed because of it. Please share and pass this story on to as many people as you would like. Some of you we may not even know, but I do know that each one of your prayers is heard and that matters to us. We are broken people, just like everyone else, and we are not relying on our own two feet to get us through. Thank goodness for a Savior who loves us unconditionally and will see us through to the end! I know I need to remind myself of this often, we are not alone in this thing called life.
Our emotional whirlwind of a day ended with a much needed chocolate peanut butter banana milkshake from Teddy's Bigger Burgers, yummy! And the sweetest little boy saying night night for the first time, his little voice just melts my heart!
Tuesday, March 11, 2014
A Look Inside
How are you doing? I get this question a lot, it seems like such a simple question, but man oh man is it hard to answer. I feel good when I am busy, but the minute I see someone pregnant or a new mom strolling through the store with her newborn, my heart just sinks. The minute I have nothing to do and I sit down for a minute, I find myself thinking about upcoming months and wondering how are we going to be able to do this. Gosh, there are days where I feel like life is totally normal; well, I don't know what normal is these days, but sometimes life feels simple like the way it used to be. Then I am quickly reminded that our time with Asher may very well be limited.
If only you could be inside of my head and here all of the thoughts bouncing around up there, it is a bit chaotic to say the least. I try to voice my thoughts and fears as often as I can because it helps me to say them aloud, which is part of the reason why I decided to start blogging again. I am at this point where I have very conflicting thoughts in my head. Do I prepare for this baby? Do I pretend that he is going to be okay and that he will be coming home from the hospital with mommy and daddy and Micah? Do I switch the rooms around and create this cozy space that I have imagined in my head where 2 little boys are going to sleep, play, and share so many memories together? Or do I prepare for what the medical world says? I have made a lot of decisions in my life, but nothing compares to any of the decisions we have had to make thus far during this pregnancy. If I prepare for him to come home then I am in denial and if I prepare for the worst, then I have lost hope. Now do you see what I mean about the thoughts in my head? This is all so hard.
Tomorrow we have our 20 week ultrasound screening. I remember when I was pregnant with Micah I absolutely loved going to the doctor. I loved seeing Micah on the screen and hearing his heart beat. Now I am terrified to go to the doctor. I am scared of what news they will give us this time. We have not seen a doctor since Asher's diagnosis, so I am uneasy about how they are going to approach us from here on out. I am scared that there may no longer be a heart beat...Ah yes one day at a time Erin, I remind myself of this daily. I tend to get way ahead of myself sometimes. Life is hard, especially when it is out of your hands and totally out of your control.
I do not want to live in fear, but there are days where I am so scared of what the future holds. I think that's why a lot of times I convince myself that everything is going to be okay with Asher, when deep down I know that may not be the case. My husband keeps reminding me that it is good to be prepared for all outcomes, which is why we have talked through each one over the past week. Despite the diagnosis and what the medical world tells us, we have decided to remain hopeful. I remember when we first got the call about the abnormal quad screen. My husband said to me, "Erin, just promise me that no matter what happens, you will not lose hope." So we are hopeful, I know our God is bigger than any of this and what is supposed to happen will in His perfect timing.
Thank you for listening to my thoughts. I know they are sad and probably hard to read at times, but I appreciate each one of you so much. I am thankful you have taken the time to read our story and even more grateful that you have taken the time to pray for our family.
Just a little update on Hawaii: The weekends are always my favorite time because we all get to be together as a family! Unfortunately the last few weekends have been rainy, so we haven't made it to the beach. I know exactly what you are thinking, gosh, I feel so bad for them! Haha : ) Sam was supposed to go away for a few months on a work trip and his command felt that it was necessary that he stay home and be with me and Micah right now. Praise God! We are thankful for an extremely supportive command, I could not do this with him being so far away. Micah is still extremely busy and extremely curious about everything. He loves anything to do with helicopters and airplanes. Thank goodness, we see helicopters several times daily out our window! That's the latest in our little world way out here in the ocean.
Thursday, March 6, 2014
Life is Precious
I am feeling rather mopey today and really missing home and all of the people that I love. There are 4,718 miles separating me from home, which means a 10 hour plane ride and that isn't quite feasible right now. If only I could just click my heels together like Dorothy and magically appear back in the place where life feels comfortable and familiar. I'm thankful for my dear mom who just spent over an hour talking with Micah and I on FaceTime, already I'm feeling a lot better! Isn't technology wonderful?
With that said, Sam and I have decided that is is best for us to stay in Hawaii throughout the remainder of the pregnancy. We will be staying close to home and having baby Asher here, so he will be our little Hawaiian baby : ) We have plane tickets home in May and boy are we anxious to get home to see our families, but all of our travel plans are up in the air at this point. Our primary focus right now is Asher and doing whatever we need to do for him. I have been reading story after story about babies with Trisomy 13 and the best advice I found was to do whatever you need for your child, instead of to your child. So we are doing what we feel is necessary for baby Asher.
It is so easy to get wrapped up in negativity and think why me when things happen that are out of your control. I would love to go back a few weeks and change the path that we are currently traveling on, but that is not possible. My dad always said, you are just one phone call away from your world being turned upside down. You know, the same reason why he insists on not having cell phones at the dinner table. His exact words, "If I am going to get bad news, I at least want to enjoy my dinner first." Comical, yes, but until recently those words never meant anything more than dad just being goofy dad. Yeah, yeah, bad news, okay dad whatever you say. Well here I am years later, and I am the one receiving those phone calls. I do not wish these type of phone calls on anyone, but the reality is, they are going to come, life is hard, life is messy, and stuff is going to happen that is way out of our control.
So here we are, in the midst of what I feel like is a bit of a nightmare. I want to keep my focus on all the lessons baby Asher has already started teaching me. This little boy may be small, but he sure does have a BIG hold on my heart. It has been 2 days since his diagnosis and my eyes have been opened so much.
First things first, life is precious, so very precious. This life that we have been given can be taken from us at anytime, we have no guarantee of tomorrow. Phew, that is hard to hear, but inspires me to live everyday like it is our last and to love those around me like I may not see them again. Please enjoy the life you have and try to always look for the good in life because it can be ripped away from us at anytime. Thank you baby Asher for teaching mommy that life is special and we need to make the most of the time we have here.
After thinking of every reason why I did not want to go to the commissary yesterday, my husband came home early from work, so I insisted that it was best we take a family trip to the store. As I was standing outside the commissary waiting for Sam and Micah, this crazy thought popped in to my head. Here I am, kind of lost in my own little world and all of these people around me are just going about their own lives. So many people walked past me and never even looked my way. I want people to know about Asher and how he is changing our lives, but if no one asks how will anyone ever know? Do I look different to them? Do I look like I have been crying? Do I look like my heart is breaking? How often do we get caught up in our own little worlds that we forget to ask those around us how they are really doing? Not just say how are you, but genuinely ask them how they are doing and actually be interested in their response. Goodness, I have a social work degree. I love people and I love hearing about people's problems, yet I am still so guilty of not actually talking to people. I feel bad for all the times I have walked by people and never thought to ask how are they doing. Maybe that person is going through something just as tough as I am. Who am I to think that my problems are bigger and more important than the next person's? They aren't, and what I am trying to say is we all need each other. We need to reach out and help each other and actually care about those around us, even if they are complete strangers.
Oh baby Asher, look how much you have opened my eyes in just a few short days. You were totally sent here to rock our world, flip it upside down, and make us better people because of it. Please continue to open our eyes and show us how we should truly live our lives. Mommy loves you so much and I am so thankful and grateful for you sweet boy.
Here are a few of life's precious moment's from the past few days:
With that said, Sam and I have decided that is is best for us to stay in Hawaii throughout the remainder of the pregnancy. We will be staying close to home and having baby Asher here, so he will be our little Hawaiian baby : ) We have plane tickets home in May and boy are we anxious to get home to see our families, but all of our travel plans are up in the air at this point. Our primary focus right now is Asher and doing whatever we need to do for him. I have been reading story after story about babies with Trisomy 13 and the best advice I found was to do whatever you need for your child, instead of to your child. So we are doing what we feel is necessary for baby Asher.
It is so easy to get wrapped up in negativity and think why me when things happen that are out of your control. I would love to go back a few weeks and change the path that we are currently traveling on, but that is not possible. My dad always said, you are just one phone call away from your world being turned upside down. You know, the same reason why he insists on not having cell phones at the dinner table. His exact words, "If I am going to get bad news, I at least want to enjoy my dinner first." Comical, yes, but until recently those words never meant anything more than dad just being goofy dad. Yeah, yeah, bad news, okay dad whatever you say. Well here I am years later, and I am the one receiving those phone calls. I do not wish these type of phone calls on anyone, but the reality is, they are going to come, life is hard, life is messy, and stuff is going to happen that is way out of our control.
So here we are, in the midst of what I feel like is a bit of a nightmare. I want to keep my focus on all the lessons baby Asher has already started teaching me. This little boy may be small, but he sure does have a BIG hold on my heart. It has been 2 days since his diagnosis and my eyes have been opened so much.
First things first, life is precious, so very precious. This life that we have been given can be taken from us at anytime, we have no guarantee of tomorrow. Phew, that is hard to hear, but inspires me to live everyday like it is our last and to love those around me like I may not see them again. Please enjoy the life you have and try to always look for the good in life because it can be ripped away from us at anytime. Thank you baby Asher for teaching mommy that life is special and we need to make the most of the time we have here.
After thinking of every reason why I did not want to go to the commissary yesterday, my husband came home early from work, so I insisted that it was best we take a family trip to the store. As I was standing outside the commissary waiting for Sam and Micah, this crazy thought popped in to my head. Here I am, kind of lost in my own little world and all of these people around me are just going about their own lives. So many people walked past me and never even looked my way. I want people to know about Asher and how he is changing our lives, but if no one asks how will anyone ever know? Do I look different to them? Do I look like I have been crying? Do I look like my heart is breaking? How often do we get caught up in our own little worlds that we forget to ask those around us how they are really doing? Not just say how are you, but genuinely ask them how they are doing and actually be interested in their response. Goodness, I have a social work degree. I love people and I love hearing about people's problems, yet I am still so guilty of not actually talking to people. I feel bad for all the times I have walked by people and never thought to ask how are they doing. Maybe that person is going through something just as tough as I am. Who am I to think that my problems are bigger and more important than the next person's? They aren't, and what I am trying to say is we all need each other. We need to reach out and help each other and actually care about those around us, even if they are complete strangers.
Oh baby Asher, look how much you have opened my eyes in just a few short days. You were totally sent here to rock our world, flip it upside down, and make us better people because of it. Please continue to open our eyes and show us how we should truly live our lives. Mommy loves you so much and I am so thankful and grateful for you sweet boy.
Here are a few of life's precious moment's from the past few days:
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| This kid loves his dogs |
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| Goodmorning! |
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| A cool evening on the porch |
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| Little boy with pink shoes, I'd say he looks good in pink! |
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| This is our goofy boy, he has such a personality on him! |
Tuesday, March 4, 2014
Life is Hard.
I am not even sure where to begin or what to say. Okay...breathe...
We have been anxiously awaiting the results of the amniocentesis and now I am wishing we could take the results away. My husband texted me this morning and said that the results are in and someone will be calling him back shortly with the results. Looking back, this was a red flag, but I thought nothing of it. Minutes went by and I could just feel the knot in my stomach growing, waiting for these results was like nothing I have ever done, I can't even describe what it felt like. Then my husband, who is supposed to call me, comes barreling in the door with tears in his eyes. I immediately knew that our world was about to be turned upside down, more than it already has in the past week or so. Our sweet baby has been diagnosed with Trisomy 13, you know the one that the lady told us was pretty much out of the question. My heart just sank and I grabbed my husband's hand and we just cried together.
Trisomy 13, I never even knew that this was up until a few weeks ago, now these two words have forever changed our lives. The odds of a baby having trisomy 13 are 1 in 10,000. When I saw this statistic, I knew that we were chosen by God to endure this trial, there is no other way to explain the odds of that statistic picking us. Does that mean we are okay with all of this? By no means, but I do know that we serve a God who loves us and cares for us and keeps our best interest in mind. He knows what we can handle, and what we cannot handle on our own is where He meets us and carries us the rest of the way. This trial has already been extremely hard and I know that it has only just begun.
We met with our genetic counselor today after receiving the devastating news about our sweet little baby. She too was shocked at the results of the amnio test. She discussed what this means in terms of my pregnancy and shared the gut wrenching statistics of trisomy 13. Most babies do not make it to birth and of those that do, their lives are short-lived. So here we are, almost half way through the pregnancy and we are thinking about stuff I never thought we would need to discuss. We have talked about the interventions we want to happen, quality of life, photographers, memorial services, just crazy stuff that no pregnant mom should even be thinking about. I still feel like I am in a dream and just wish I could somehow get out of it. We were given the option to terminate our pregnancy and my husband and I both immediately shook our heads no. We both knew that that was not an option and not a path we were willing to take. This baby is ours and we have made the decision to love and care for it as best as we can, no matter what the future holds.
Are we scared? Oh my, so scared, this is not something you can ever be prepared for. I am scared of what's to come, but I am going to make every effort to enjoy this little baby inside me and give them the best life possible, just what they deserve. I am scared of people asking me about my pregnancy, what will I say? I am scared about delivering a baby knowing my time with them is so limited. I am scared of loosing my sweet baby. I am scared of saying goodbye. I am scared of the next few months because I have no idea what any of this will be like.
My husband made a really good point this evening and said that this baby will never know anything except love and happiness. And that warms my heart knowing that. We are blessed to be this baby's mommy and daddy and he is blessed to be our child.
In our previous pregnancy, we chose not to find out the sex of the baby because we wanted to be surprised. Due to the unexpected news today, we decided it was best to find out the sex of our sweet little one. The verdict is, we are having a little boy! We have spent all evening picking out the perfect name for this little guy.
Asher Keoni White.
Asher: happy or blessed in Hebrew
Keoni: God is Gracious/John (John is our grandfather's name on both sides) This is obviously Hawaiian, since this little guy is our Hawaiian baby!
Please please please continue to pray for us, as our journey with baby Asher has only just begun. This little guy has already taught us so much about life and I know there is a whole lot more to come. Thank you for the continued prayers and support, we can feel them all the way out here in Hawaii.
We have been anxiously awaiting the results of the amniocentesis and now I am wishing we could take the results away. My husband texted me this morning and said that the results are in and someone will be calling him back shortly with the results. Looking back, this was a red flag, but I thought nothing of it. Minutes went by and I could just feel the knot in my stomach growing, waiting for these results was like nothing I have ever done, I can't even describe what it felt like. Then my husband, who is supposed to call me, comes barreling in the door with tears in his eyes. I immediately knew that our world was about to be turned upside down, more than it already has in the past week or so. Our sweet baby has been diagnosed with Trisomy 13, you know the one that the lady told us was pretty much out of the question. My heart just sank and I grabbed my husband's hand and we just cried together.
Trisomy 13, I never even knew that this was up until a few weeks ago, now these two words have forever changed our lives. The odds of a baby having trisomy 13 are 1 in 10,000. When I saw this statistic, I knew that we were chosen by God to endure this trial, there is no other way to explain the odds of that statistic picking us. Does that mean we are okay with all of this? By no means, but I do know that we serve a God who loves us and cares for us and keeps our best interest in mind. He knows what we can handle, and what we cannot handle on our own is where He meets us and carries us the rest of the way. This trial has already been extremely hard and I know that it has only just begun.
We met with our genetic counselor today after receiving the devastating news about our sweet little baby. She too was shocked at the results of the amnio test. She discussed what this means in terms of my pregnancy and shared the gut wrenching statistics of trisomy 13. Most babies do not make it to birth and of those that do, their lives are short-lived. So here we are, almost half way through the pregnancy and we are thinking about stuff I never thought we would need to discuss. We have talked about the interventions we want to happen, quality of life, photographers, memorial services, just crazy stuff that no pregnant mom should even be thinking about. I still feel like I am in a dream and just wish I could somehow get out of it. We were given the option to terminate our pregnancy and my husband and I both immediately shook our heads no. We both knew that that was not an option and not a path we were willing to take. This baby is ours and we have made the decision to love and care for it as best as we can, no matter what the future holds.
Are we scared? Oh my, so scared, this is not something you can ever be prepared for. I am scared of what's to come, but I am going to make every effort to enjoy this little baby inside me and give them the best life possible, just what they deserve. I am scared of people asking me about my pregnancy, what will I say? I am scared about delivering a baby knowing my time with them is so limited. I am scared of loosing my sweet baby. I am scared of saying goodbye. I am scared of the next few months because I have no idea what any of this will be like.
My husband made a really good point this evening and said that this baby will never know anything except love and happiness. And that warms my heart knowing that. We are blessed to be this baby's mommy and daddy and he is blessed to be our child.
In our previous pregnancy, we chose not to find out the sex of the baby because we wanted to be surprised. Due to the unexpected news today, we decided it was best to find out the sex of our sweet little one. The verdict is, we are having a little boy! We have spent all evening picking out the perfect name for this little guy.
Asher Keoni White.
Asher: happy or blessed in Hebrew
Keoni: God is Gracious/John (John is our grandfather's name on both sides) This is obviously Hawaiian, since this little guy is our Hawaiian baby!
Please please please continue to pray for us, as our journey with baby Asher has only just begun. This little guy has already taught us so much about life and I know there is a whole lot more to come. Thank you for the continued prayers and support, we can feel them all the way out here in Hawaii.
Saturday, March 1, 2014
Hope
It has been a few days since we received the news about our sweet baby. There has been lots of crying, sleepless nights, some very serious conversations, lots of prayers, ice cream, more tests, smiles, laughs, lots of friends, oreos, and more doctors appointments. Let's just say we have been quite busy the past few days!
Friday morning we met with a genetic counselor, who was able to better explain chromosome abnormalities. She was very helpful and was very confident that our baby did not have trisomy 13 or trisomy 18 based on numbers from a previous test. Praise God! This was comforting because I know Sam and I both had feared this may be the case. We decided to undergo an amniocentesis in order to get a definite answer of what we were dealing with. The amnio went very smoothly and there were no complications. I am extremely grateful for a husband who sat by my side and held my hand the entire time and didn't pass out : ) We will receive the results of this test by phone on either Monday or Tuesday. Regardless of what the diagnosis is, we believe that God created this sweet baby in His image and that this baby is made perfect in His eyes. What a blessing this little baby has already been to us, he or she has already taught us how precious life is!
Our biggest prayer right now is that baby would continue to fight and grow. There are some real concerns with the umbilical cord and blood flow, meaning this could cause growth problems with the baby. We are praying that baby can continue to grow and develop! I know this sweet little baby is already a fighter.
Ideally, we would like to go back to the east coast and have the baby there, where our primary support system is. We have so many friends and family there that would step in and help us in a heartbeat. From what we are hearing of the insurance side of things, it sounds very promising. The real concern is timing and when would be the best time for us to travel home. And obviously there are A LOT of logistics that would need figured out fairly quickly in the upcoming months. We aren't jumping the gun just yet, we need to get some more confirmation from the doctor that baby is growing as he or she needs to be so that we can make the long trip home. We feel confident in our doctors here in Hawaii, but at the end of the day this is a very small island. Our access to doctors is extremely limited and there is a rather large ocean separating us from the mainland. Praying God would work out all the kinks and details!
In the mean time, we are trying to live life as we normally do. Yes, we have our moments of tears, but we have this 15 month old little boy who keeps us going and brings us so much joy. Goodness, so much joy I cannot even explain it. There has been so many times this past week where I have just sat back and watched Micah play with tears in my eyes. I am so thankful for this blue eyed boy and so grateful that I get to be his mommy. He has no idea what is going on and reminds us what it means to just celebrate and love life.
We so bad want to be normal people. We want to hang out with our friends, laugh, and smile. And we have done just that this week. I don't want people to look at us and feel sorry for us or feel weird around us. We want you to be a friend to us and stand along beside us in this battle. We have received so many phone calls, text messages, and Facebook comments this week that it has been totally overwhelming. I have read each and every one of them several times and each one has brought tears to my eyes. We are so thankful for each and every one of you and appreciate all of your prayers and support. You all have kept us going and reminded us that we are not alone and that we can keep on keeping on. Thank you for that.
Friday morning we met with a genetic counselor, who was able to better explain chromosome abnormalities. She was very helpful and was very confident that our baby did not have trisomy 13 or trisomy 18 based on numbers from a previous test. Praise God! This was comforting because I know Sam and I both had feared this may be the case. We decided to undergo an amniocentesis in order to get a definite answer of what we were dealing with. The amnio went very smoothly and there were no complications. I am extremely grateful for a husband who sat by my side and held my hand the entire time and didn't pass out : ) We will receive the results of this test by phone on either Monday or Tuesday. Regardless of what the diagnosis is, we believe that God created this sweet baby in His image and that this baby is made perfect in His eyes. What a blessing this little baby has already been to us, he or she has already taught us how precious life is!
Our biggest prayer right now is that baby would continue to fight and grow. There are some real concerns with the umbilical cord and blood flow, meaning this could cause growth problems with the baby. We are praying that baby can continue to grow and develop! I know this sweet little baby is already a fighter.
Ideally, we would like to go back to the east coast and have the baby there, where our primary support system is. We have so many friends and family there that would step in and help us in a heartbeat. From what we are hearing of the insurance side of things, it sounds very promising. The real concern is timing and when would be the best time for us to travel home. And obviously there are A LOT of logistics that would need figured out fairly quickly in the upcoming months. We aren't jumping the gun just yet, we need to get some more confirmation from the doctor that baby is growing as he or she needs to be so that we can make the long trip home. We feel confident in our doctors here in Hawaii, but at the end of the day this is a very small island. Our access to doctors is extremely limited and there is a rather large ocean separating us from the mainland. Praying God would work out all the kinks and details!
In the mean time, we are trying to live life as we normally do. Yes, we have our moments of tears, but we have this 15 month old little boy who keeps us going and brings us so much joy. Goodness, so much joy I cannot even explain it. There has been so many times this past week where I have just sat back and watched Micah play with tears in my eyes. I am so thankful for this blue eyed boy and so grateful that I get to be his mommy. He has no idea what is going on and reminds us what it means to just celebrate and love life.
We so bad want to be normal people. We want to hang out with our friends, laugh, and smile. And we have done just that this week. I don't want people to look at us and feel sorry for us or feel weird around us. We want you to be a friend to us and stand along beside us in this battle. We have received so many phone calls, text messages, and Facebook comments this week that it has been totally overwhelming. I have read each and every one of them several times and each one has brought tears to my eyes. We are so thankful for each and every one of you and appreciate all of your prayers and support. You all have kept us going and reminded us that we are not alone and that we can keep on keeping on. Thank you for that.
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| Watching the R/C helicopters, this boy loves anything to do with helicopters and airplanes! |
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| First Jamba Juice : ) |
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| Of course, he loved the monkeys! |
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| Day at the zoo! |
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| All smiles, now do you see what I mean about loving life? |
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