Thursday, March 13, 2014

And my faith will be made stronger

Our calendar lately has quickly filled up with doctor's appointment after doctor's appointment.  Yesterday we had our 20 week ultrasound appointment.  I remember in the beginning of this pregnancy thinking how spoiled I was with my first pregnancy because I had 2 scheduled ultrasounds.  To date, I have already had 5 ultrasounds and that number will continue to go up.  Yes, I am over joyed that we get to see Asher so much, I just wish it was under different circumstances.

Prior to this appointment, I felt as though I was doing okay.  Then the minute we got into the office and I had to wait there watching pregnant woman after pregnant woman walk out and come in the office with huge smiles on their face, I began to quickly lose it.  I turned to my husband and said I don't want to do this, let's get out of here.  He gave me a hug and promised me that we would get through this together and we did.

It was a tough appointment.  In a lot of ways I felt like it was a huge slap in the face.  Over the past 2 weeks Asher had grown the expected amount, which was good news.  But the doctor said that he expected his growth to get worse as the visits continue.  The doctor also said that based on what he was seeing, Asher's heart defect may not be as severe as they originally suspected.  We won't know more until we see the pediatric cardiologist in a few weeks.  Again, this was good news, but it was followed by a reminder that these babies often do not make it to term and if they do, they typically do not live long.  I understand the doctor was just doing his job, but we as parents already know what we are dealing with here. For us to be constantly reminded of it is hard, really really hard.  No parent ever wants to hear those words about their unborn child.

On a good note, I am extremely grateful for all of the doctors who have taken an interest in Asher's life.  They could very easily write us off and say he isn't going to live, therefore he isn't worth their time.  Instead, they have spent extra time answering all our questions, encouraging us to call at any time, and been over-accommodating to all of our needs.  They have been patient and offering support during a time that is probably uncomfortable for them as well.  They may just be doing their job and doing what they have to do, but it is greatly appreciated.  The doctors also fully confirmed that Asher's karyotype is full Trisomy 13.

There are moments and days where I would like to wish this nightmare away, but I know that is not possible.  I am quickly reminded that we have a choice in this situation:  we can choose to be happy to have this sweet child, or we can choose to think why us and be miserable.  Sam and I are not miserable people, we try to enjoy life as much as we possibly can.  At the young ages of 25 and 30, this is by far the hardest hand we have ever been dealt, but we are not giving up.  We are choosing joy and choosing to be happy because we are able to carry this little boy and love him as much as he deserves.  Every day with Asher is a gift we have been given and a battle he has already won.  Time is precious with this sweet little guy, but that is not changing the way we feel about him or the situation we have been chosen to endure.

My prayer is that people would continue to read our story and that lives would be changed because of it.  Please share and pass this story on to as many people as you would like.  Some of you we may not even know, but I do know that each one of your prayers is heard and that matters to us.  We are broken people, just like everyone else, and we are not relying on our own two feet to get us through.  Thank goodness for a Savior who loves us unconditionally and will see us through to the end!  I know I need to remind myself of this often, we are not alone in this thing called life.

Our emotional whirlwind of a day ended with a much needed chocolate peanut butter banana milkshake from Teddy's Bigger Burgers, yummy!  And the sweetest little boy saying night night for the first time, his little voice just melts my heart!

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