How does one have hope when...
-The statistics say that 95% of babies with trisomy 13 are miscarried or born stillborn. Of those 5% that are born alive, only 5% to 10% make it to their first birthday.
-The nurse in mid conversation says that you are grieving a loss that has already happened when I know very well that my child is still alive and kicking in my belly!
-Most view these babies as incompatible with life, thankfully no one has ever used those terms when talking about Asher, but that is how the medical world terms these babies.
-You have no idea how or when this is going to pan out. Or what tomorrow will bring.
-There are several times a week where you feel defeated and don't think that anyone really understands you.
-You just want this all to be over with.
I am sure that some of this may resonate with you. I have plenty of reasons to lose hope and just give up. But I have one reason not to and that is Jesus Christ. The One who reminds us that our struggles are heard and that our struggles are meaningful.
Now, let me be honest with you. When I write my blogs I am typically in good spirits. I have kept quiet for over a week now mainly because I had no idea what to write. My thoughts were all jumbled in my head and I would sit down and start writing and just couldn't find the words I wanted and needed to say. With that said, all of my days are not good days. I struggle in this journey and I have cried many many tears over all of this.
My sister in law is pregnant and yesterday I got word that the baby may be coming soon. You know soon as in whenever this little one stops playing tricks and actually decides he or she wants to make their appearance. I love my sister in law like she is my sister, I consider her to be one of my very close friends. After my mom shared the news that baby may be born in the next few days I was super excited. And then the emotions washed over me. I spent most of the afternoon in tears, not because I am upset that my brother and his dear wife are having a baby. I am beyond thrilled for them and know that they have been faithful and endured their fair share of trials. It took me a while to actually figure out why I was crying. I am still a little puzzled by it because I did not expect to be taken over by so many feelings. I'm sad because I cannot hop on a plane and be there to see this little one like I was there for my other 2 nephews. I'm sad because we always wanted to have babies close together so they could grow up side by side and be best buddies. It kills me to think that that may not be an option. However, I think the biggest thing is that in my head I always knew okay Melissa is 3 months ahead of me and now all of a sudden she is about to have a baby! Oh dear, that means that my time is quickly coming and that scares me to death! I think that is why I was overcome with so many tears because the reality that Asher is going to be here before I know it hit me really really hard.
With all this said, I am not hopeless, I am continuing to be hopeful. Our God is a God of miracles and nothing is impossible with Him. I am grounded and I know all of the viable possibilities of what could happen with Asher, but I will never lose hope in our great God. Just think of all the crazy things we read about in the Bible. Here are a few good examples:
-Jesus heals the blind man. Yup, I'd say this was a pretty impossible task, but he knocked it out with no problem at all.
-Jesus heals the woman who has been bleeding for 12 years. He says to her in Matthew 5:34,
"Your faith has made you well..." So simple, yet so powerful. She believed and endured and because of that she was healed.
-Jesus heals the leper.
I could go on all night and share many more, but these were just a few that popped into my head. And this my friends, is why we will never give up hope. There is a greater purpose in this and for now all we can do is be faithful and seek out the one who knows what He is doing. I have no clue what I am doing and would not be able to get through day to day without daily seeking Him. I'm thankful for a loving God who puts up with me always, even on those days where I am doubting Him and doubting my strength in Him.
I felt that I needed to be transparent with you. I am hopeful and honestly I have no idea what that will mean in the days, weeks, and months to come, but whatever it is I know there is one person who knows what they are doing. Thank goodness because I know I feel pretty clueless here! I think it is important that you all know my heart and my faith throughout this battle. We are fighting the good fight here and there are days where I feel like it has already taken it all out of me. Nights where I wake up in the middle of the night and can't sleep because I have SO many thoughts racing through my head. Days where I see a newborn baby and I just want to cry. Days where I leave my doctor appointment with tear filled eyes feeling so defeated. Moments where I just want this nightmare to end. Days where I feel so emotionally and physically exhausted. Despite all of that crap, I have so much to still be hopeful for and I will continue to bring myself back to that mindset no matter how hard it is.
An update from the doctor world:
I had an appointment with a midwife this past Monday. Asher's heart was beating perfectly, Praise God! She measured my stomach and I was measuring at 24 weeks, which is exactly where I need to be! Another praise! Other than that there isn't much to say about the appointment. I felt like I was forced to talk about all that has been going on and honestly I just didn't want to. It is painful for me to actually voice the realities of Asher. We have had so many visits with doctors and people that it really wears you out. She preceded to say that she was sorry and gave me a hug. It is hard for me knowing that people are feeling sorry for me, I do not want anyone to feel sorry for me. This journey is not about drawing attention to us or for people to point at us and say gosh I feel really bad for them. This journey is about our faith and that we have been chosen for this journey for a reason. This journey is about a family that is remaining hopeful. This journey is about a family sharing their testimony about how God is present and alive, even when He feels so far away.
Again, thank you for listening to my mumble jumble of thoughts. Sam and I love each and every one of you so much and it means the world to us that you are walking beside us in this journey. Next doctor appointment is next Tuesday, so we will update you all again soon : )