Monday, April 28, 2014

Be Still

I think it is safe to say that I have had some serious writer's block lately or maybe I have just felt like I do not have much to say.  People always tell us we are being so strong and handling all of this so well.  And I truly do appreciate all of your kind words.  But to be completely honest, I just do not feel so strong.  I feel like I am doing my best to keep it all together, but on the inside I feel like life is in a million pieces pulling me in a million different directions.  Here I am at 27 weeks, quickly approaching what will be the third trimester of my pregnancy.  We received Asher's diagnosis almost exactly 2 months ago, I honestly was not even sure we would make it this far, so I am beyond thankful for that!  The process of waiting for what is to come is the biggest emotional roller coaster I have ever been on, it is exhausting to stay the least.  Pregnancy is a beautiful thing, something that women are supposed to embrace and enjoy.  I can honestly say that I have had a hard time with that lately.  I am terrified when people ask me about Asher because I know they are assuming that everything is fine and dandy.  They think that I spend my evenings making a baby registry and creating the perfect nursery for this little guy.  Little do they know, that we have made no preparations for Asher because we have no idea what to expect.  Instead we are forced to talk about our birth plan and what type of measures we want to be taken at the hospital.  The dooming words "trisomy 13" are always lingering in the back of my head.  I wake up every day anxious and nervous all at the same time to feel Asher kicking in my belly because then I know that we have been blessed with one more day with our sweet son.

Some days feel perfectly normal.  But then I am quickly drawn back in to the reality and the seriousness of the road ahead.  The fact that we are always on the edge of our seats.  The fact that we had to officially cancel our plane tickets back to the east coast.  We were supposed to fly in mid May to see our families, but have decided it is best we stay here in Hawaii.  The fact that we have several doctors appointments a month.  The fact that I really do not feel like myself.  The fact that I have no idea what tomorrow will bring.  The fact that it is difficult to plan anything days or weeks out.  Facts are facts.

I have to remind myself several times a day that I am not in control.  This path is exhausting and I can definitely feel it wearing on me.  The verse, "Be still and know that I am God..." speaks volumes to me and I have to repeat it several times a day.  He is not just some homely looking dude off the street, He is God, the creator of all things.  The One who is writing our story right now is entirely in control and actually knows what He's doing.  There are days where I think He is totally crazy and I feel like this is all too much, but somehow He manages to give me the strength and energy to just keep going. It's like how people always ask well if God is so great and mighty, then why does He let bad things happen to good people?  For the record, I consider us to be good people, just thought I should clear that up : )  Anyways, it is building us, molding us, shaping us, into the obedient and diligent followers that we are called to be.  Nothing in life that is worth it is easy and this falls right into that category.  If life was always a walk in the park, then our faith would not be tested, and therefore we would not grow.  The bad always always always has a purpose and always always always produces something bigger and better than we could ever imagine.  So no matter how many crappy days we have, or how many days we feel like throwing in the towel, I am reminded that there is meaning in the struggle and there will be beauty in the struggle.  The real question is how in the world are we so deserving of this grace? 

I want to share this song with you that a dear friend sent to me a while back.  We always have music playing at our house and this is one song that I may listen to a few times a day, okay maybe a lot more than a few, but you get the point.  It is so powerful and so perfectly puts to words how I feel. 

"Though you slay me, Yet I will praise you
Though you take from me, I will bless your name
Though you ruin me, Still I will worship
Sing a song to the one who's all I need "

People probably think we are nuts dealing with Asher the way we have and remaining so positive and hopeful despite what the medical world says.  This song captures why we will continue to worship and praise His name despite feeling that He has taken things away from us and left us quite broken.  He will always be all that we ever need and I know that I need to remind myself of that always because life is so daunting sometimes.  No way we would be where we are without Him, so regardless of what is going on around us, we will continue to be thankful and grateful.

Easter Egg Hunt

Happy Easter!

Easter family picture

Waterfall hike with a baby on my back, baby in my belly, one of my friends AND a almost 3 year old!  I think we were feeling a lot like super mom that day : )

View at the top made it well worth the trek up there, and I do mean up there!

Hanging with daddy before the egg hunt

This is our goofy Micah who brings us so much joy!

Airplane and helicopter book, happiest boy ever right here!
Beach day with friends

Morning smiles!

Checking out the animals at the zoo

Mommy and Micah

Who actually sits in their stroller, standing is much more fun!

Another day at the beach!


First boogie board ride, I think it was a hit!

Future boodie boarder, making Poppy proud!

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