Putting on a Front

We live in a world that is consumed with appearance.  We have to put on this front that we have it all together.  We have to wear the right clothes, do the right things, and say the right things.  We base our lives on how other people are or are not living their lives.  We can easily force ourself to fit into this perfect little mold, whether it is really us or not.  It is sad, to say the least.

I will be the first to tell you that this girl does not have it all together.  But because of all the images out there as to what we should be doing and what our houses should look like, I have really been struggling.  My husband tells me on a daily basis that we do not need to have it all together.  And day by day I am concentrating on that and trying to come to terms that I do not need to have it all together.

I am a mom, I have a crazy toddler, who is extremely active.  I don't get much done during the day because I focus most of my time on Micah.  I love being a mom, but I beat myself up that I can't always keep up with the house work.  It is daunting and never ending.  Then throw the grief issues into the mix, phew, yeah I am far from having anything together over here.  Anyone out there with me?

Grief is this thing that fits in no mold.  There is no right way or wrong way.  You just do what you do.  It's scary and I can honestly say that it is lonely.  I feel like no one gets me and no one knows what to say to me.  It's exhausting and painful.  It comes and goes in a matter of minutes or seconds or days.  It hits like a ton of bricks when you least expect it.  It is like nothing I have ever felt or experienced.

I remember reading something a while back about throwing your to do lists out when you are dealing with grief.  You should not put a time on getting stuff done because some days you need to just do nothing.  And you aren't going to be able to get stuff done, so looking at this never ending list is just going to make you feel worse.  I am the queen of making lists.  I LOVE making lists, sick I know, but it is totally the truth.  Nothing like getting something done and being able to cross it off, feels good right?  So imagine me when I read that you should avoid making to do lists.  I thought it was crazy and I of course have still been making lists.  Hmmmm maybe that's why I have been feeling so overwhelmed lately?

So I am opting out of my silly little never ending lists.  I am going to let go of the reins a little bit and see where that takes me.  If that means my house gets a little messy, then so be it.  My hope is that instead of focusing so much on having it all together, I can spend some more time getting myself together.  I spend so much of my time caring for my family, making sure laundry is done, dinner is made, dishes are clean, clothes put away, and the list goes on.  I tend to forget that it is just as important to take care of myself and my needs.  And part of that is feeling the pain of losing my sweet Asher.

So please, if you look at my Facebook page and my blog posts and my pictures and think I have it all together, you are so totally wrong.  I am far from having it together, I am just taking life one day at a time, trying to sort through all my thoughts and feelings, trying to make sense of this confusing world I live in, trying to find peace in the midst of my pain.

Life After Loss

Life after loss is hard, obviously, that's a given.  But it is so much more than just that; it is beautiful and sad and confusing and heartbreaking and emotional and lonely and joyful all mixed into one.

For most of you that have shared this journey with us, your lives have returned back to normal.  I cannot blame you for that and I cannot hold that against you.  But please understand that my life will never be normal again.  There will always be this sweet little boy missing from our family pictures.  There will always be a part of my heart missing.

Not only am I grieving the loss of sweet baby Asher.  I am grieving an entire lifetime of precious memories that I will never get to have with my sweet boy.  I am also grieving the mom that I used to be, the friend that I used to be, the wife that I used to, and the daughter that I used to be.  My life is different now, my outlook is different;  I am far from the same girl I used to be, no matter how much you think I may be.  Losing a child changes you.

Life must go on, believe me, I get that.  But this new life is quite different from what it used to be.  It's hard for me to be around new people.  I try to avoid engaging in conversation because I know the words are coming, "how many kids do you have?"  I tell them the truth and they get that look in their eyes like they are scared silly and terrified and just want to run away.  I lie to them because I want to avoid that reaction and I feel guilty like I am disowning my own child.  Tough stuff, let's just say that.  Please friends, keep this in mind when someone answers this question in a way you did not expect.  Talk with them, love them, support them, encourage them.  We want to share our child with you, we want the world to know we have a baby in heaven.  I long for people to talk about my sweet Asher, to say his name, it is music to my ears, it warms my heart.  

So you ask how can there be days filled with joy?  The love I have for Asher is like nothing I can explain.  I love Micah and I love my husband and I love my family with all of my heart.  But nothing will ever compare to the love and the connection I have with Asher.  The love I have for Asher runs so deep.  That boy is special, that about sums it up.  And that is how there is joy.  When I think of Asher, my heart is filled with joy because of the relationship I share with him.  The lessons he has taught me, the wisdom he has given me, the strength he has left me.

Joy because Asher has changed me; I am a better mom now than I ever was before.  Joy because my hurting and my story can bring someone else hope.  Joy because I have a God who loves me.  Joy because I get to see my baby boy again one day.  Joy because I have experienced a love like no other. Joy because I can wake up every day with a smile on my face.  Joy because I am loved and taken care of.  Joy because I have two handsome little boys, one here on earth and one watching over me in heaven.  Joy because there is hope after the storm.

So much has been taken from me.  So much pain, sorrow, and grief surrounds me.  So much it can be overwhelming at times.  But I cannot help but focus on the good and what has already and what will continue to happen because of Asher's story.  He may be physically gone, but I can tell you one thing, his story will continue to live on.

Very truly I tell you, you will weep and mourn while the world rejoices.  You will grieve, but your grief will turn to joy.  John 16:20

You Are My Sunshine

In true typical Erin fashion, when I plan something outdoors, mother nature decides it should rain.  Take my wedding for example, I had always dreamed of having an outside wedding.  Well, the week prior to our wedding, it rained and rained and rained.  There was a hurricane on the coast and it was sending lots and lots of rain.  All week my dad kept saying those dreaded words, "Erin, what if it rains?  We need a back up plan."  There was a tent covering the back deck, so if need be the ceremony could be held there.  Time for the rehearsal, what was it doing?  Raining buckets, I mean it was so loud on that deck that we could not even hear each other talk.  Time for the wedding, what was it doing?  It was absolutely beautiful out!

The weather forecasts often predicts rain when I plan things, please take note of that if you ever want me to plan something for you.  With that said, the weather channel is normally wrong, and it usually turns out to be a beautiful day!  And oh what a beautiful day it was on August 2, the day of Asher's memorial service.

One of the main reasons that we went back Maryland was to have a memorial service for our sweet Asher, a service that all our family would be able to attend.  Asher was and always will be special to all of us and it was important for me that we were all able to celebrate him together.

I remember the night prior to the service, looking at my mom with tear filled eyes and saying how in the world am I going to be able to get through tomorrow?  There has been several times over the past months that I said those same words and each time I came out a tad bit stronger.  I have been carried, there is no way I have been able to endure all that has happened on my own; it is truly amazing to see God meet you right where you are, take your hand, and walk, drag, or carry you along.

The service started and I remember sitting there in the front row, looking at the pictures of my sweet boy on the table wondering if this was real life.  I was feeling extremely numb and kind of like I was watching all of this unfold before my eyes.

With a box of tissues, my husband beside me, and all my family behind me, we celebrated and memorialized our sweet Asher.  The service was beautiful beyond words, more perfect than I could have ever imagined.  The sun was shining, the breeze was blowing, I felt such a peace during that service.

We sang songs, shared stories, and my wonderful Uncle Rich talked about how God uses trials for our good.  He calls us to be faithful servants and to follow where He leads us.  Asher has taken us all to a place we never imagined we would be.  He has caused us to ask God why.  He has forced us to come together as one.  He has strengthened us.  He has caused our faith to grow deeper.  He has brought us to our knees.  He has made us love more.  And all that was part of God's perfect plan.

Asher was given his first lacrosse stick at the service and now it is hanging in Poppy's office on the wall of fame.  This was a total surprise to me and I couldn't think of a better gift to give our little boy.  We are a lacrosse loving family, in case you didn't know.  We all played lacrosse, I don't think we had much of a choice, did we dad?

Since we knew we would not be in Hawaii forever, we opted to have Asher cremated.  To us, cremation just made sense.  Asher was created from the dust.  There seemed something so pure about having him in his original "state of being."  Just like the song, You make beautiful things, you make beautiful things out of the dust.  We took his dust and planted a tree in my parent's yard in remembrance of him.  The tree is a Crepe Myrtle, which means it will bloom every July for Asher's birthday!  We all took turns placing a shovel full of dirt around the tree and finished with a beautiful prayer around that tree as we were all holding hands.

And ended it all with fellowship, laughter, and good ol' Maryland crabs!

I look back on that day and just smile, it was beautiful and touching and sad and happy all wrapped into one!

The Promise

While we were on the mainland, we spent some time in Virginia visiting my in laws.  My father-in-law is a pastor, so on Sunday morning we all piled in the church pew for church, kids and all!  The people at this church were familiar with our story and have been faithfully praying for us over the past few months.  After church, several people came up to us and gave us hugs and said they were continuing to think and pray for us.  One gentleman in particular will always stick out in my mind.  He pulled Sam aside after church and said that he had lost twin girls years ago.  They were born premature and due to the lack of medical knowledge at that time, they only survived 8 hours.  Sam shared all of this with me in the car on our way home and come to find out this gentlemen had lost his dear wife 3 months ago.  The only thing I could think about was the smile that must be on that lady's face because she has been reunited with her sweet baby girls in heaven.  The thought that she is hugging and kissing her babies again brought tears to my eyes.  I anxiously look forward to the day where I get to do the same with our sweet Asher.  Oh the promise of heaven and eternity! 

I have always known heaven was up there and that it is our forever home.  A home free of pain and suffering, a home filled with joy, a home filled with peace, a home spent worshiping our Lord and Savior.  Now that is a place I want to call home!  I find myself thinking of heaven quite often these days because I know Asher is whole and complete up there loving life.  So often when I am driving in the car, I find myself looking up at the sky wondering what is going on up there and what my little boy is up to.  I want him to be here with us more than anything, but if he has to be somewhere away from us, there is no better place than to be playing trucks in heaven with our Father.

Sam and I created Asher, he is our child.  I carried him in my belly for 9 beautiful months.  Part of me and part of Sam and even part of Micah is up there in heaven.  I feel like I have a personal connection with heaven and maybe that's why I think of it so often.  I'm not sure what it is, but regardless I am thankful for the change of mindset that Asher has brought on.  Instead of worrying about petty stuff, it seems more fitting to smile and say it's all going to be okay.  None of that stuff matters, money is just money and we can't take it with us.  Worrying is not going to make anything better.  Planning is silly because we all know what happens when we plan things.  I have so much more of an eternal mindset than I ever did before.  This place is not my home, we are just passing through.

However, as it is written:  "What no eye has seen, what no ear has heard, and what no human mind has conceived"-the things God has prepared for those who love him-  1 Corinthians 2:9

My Sweet Asher

It has been one month since we said hello and see you soon to Asher.  My heart still aches for Asher and my arms still long to hold him again.  The pain is still so raw and most days I feel like I am on a roller coaster.; life without him is so hard.  This is the letter I wrote to the little boy who changed my life and made me a better mommy because of it.

My Sweet Asher,

I found out I was pregnant with you on your brother’s first birthday. I couldn’t wait to FaceTime with your daddy and tell him the news. We were overjoyed to say the least. From the minute I saw those two faint lines on that test I was so in love with you. And with every passing day I loved you even more.

As the road got rougher, you got stronger. The doctors gave us the option to terminate the pregnancy and we knew that was not an option, we knew that God had a bigger plan for you. A bigger plan than I ever imagined. I knew your dad and I were chosen to be yours parents and love you like we would any other child. The medical world said you were not compatible with life, but your kicking in my belly told me otherwise. You my sweet boy were such a fighter and you fought until the end.

I miss you more than words can say; I will always miss you. I will miss hearing your heart beat. I will miss those mornings watching Thomas with Micah on my lap and you kicking in my belly. I will miss your little face and those tiny little hands. I will miss watching you dig in the dirt and play in the ocean. I will miss the sound of your voice. I will miss teaching you how to play lacrosse. I will miss hugging and kissing you. I will miss watching your grow up. I will miss watching you and your daddy work on cars together. I will miss being your mommy and kissing all of your boo boos. I will miss reading stories and praying with you. I will miss teaching you how to ride a bike. I will miss your smile and the sound of you laughing. I will miss the pitter patter of your feet upstairs. I will miss watching you play along side your big brother. My heart aches thinking of all the things I will miss about you.

I’m not sure why you had to go so soon; I will never understand that. But it brings me comfort knowing your short time with us here on earth was so meaningful. I pray that you know how much you are loved by all of us, and how your life has impacted us all. You were sent to us for a reason and I am forever thankful for you. You taught us more than you will ever know. Thank you for teaching us how to love with no limits. Thank you for reminding us how special this life is and that none of it should be taken for granted. Thank you for teaching me to be strong and fight. Thank you for opening my eyes and my heart. Thank you for inspiring me to write and reach out to others. Thank you for showing me what is really important in life. I will forever be changed because of you.

I carried you all your life and will cherish the time we had together for as long as I live. While you were with me you never knew anything except warmth, love, and happiness. I love knowing that Jesus greeted you when you first opened your eyes.

Though you may be physically gone, you will forever live on in my heart. I am thankful for the promise of heaven and eternity. I am hopeful that I will see you again one day.

I love you with all of my heart and cannot wait to see you. See you soon my sweet boy.

All my love,
Mommy

Forever and Always

The seconds, minutes, and hours after Asher was born are some of the most painful, yet most beautiful memories ever.  Memories I have played over and over in my head countless times since that day.  There is not a minute that goes by that I do not picture that beautiful face of his and wonder what he is doing right at that moment.

I loved Asher from the very minute I found out I was pregnant.  And with every passing day, I loved that sweet boy more and more.  I wasn't sure I could quite possibly love him any more than I already did, until he was born.  His tiny little hands and little toes, his sweet little nose and mouth, and his red hair...every part of him just melted my heart.  He was beautiful.

The minutes after Asher was born were a bit crazy to say the least, it felt like a whirlwind.  He was born totally unexpectedly so Sam had to frantically call our family and tell them to come now.  I don't think he even told them what happened, he just managed to say get here now through his tears.  A quick phone call was also made to our dear friend and photographer, as well as our pastor.

Sam was able to cut the cord and we watched as our nurse gave sweet Asher a bath in front of us.  I think Sam and I were still in shock that Asher was here, so sitting back watching the nurse give him a bath gave us a minute to catch our breath and let everything soak in.  She wrapped him up in a blanket and put a tiny hat on his head and gave him to me to hold.  Through the tears I held on to that little boy so tight, trying to soak up every part of him, so I would never forget.

Our parents arrived with tear filled eyes.  Each of them held their grand baby and gave that little boy nothing but love.  He was passed around, hugged, and kissed.  It touched my heart to see the love in that room that day, images and feelings I will never forget.

A good friend snuck into the room and took tons of pictures of everyone with Asher.  You can see the pain in these pictures, but you can also see the joy and beauty.  I cannot thank her enough for these pictures, they are absolutely beautiful, I will treasure them forever.

Our Pastor baptized Asher and prayed a beautiful prayer over our little boy.  A prayer that I do not remember the words, I just remember that it was absolutely beautiful and warmed my heart knowing that our baby was resting in the arms of Jesus right at that moment.  Thank you Annie and thank you Sean for being a part of our day, we are forever grateful to both of you!

We spent our day being Asher's mommy and daddy.  We held him, we kissed him, we rocked him.  We took his foot prints, we attempted making sand prints with his tiny feet.  We read him stories.  We laughed.  We cried.  We admired every thing about him.  We prayed.  We took a million pictures.  We cuddled.  We did nothing but love on him!

One of my favorite moments was me holding Asher, while Sam was sitting beside us reading to him. We brought two special books with us to the hospital:  On the night you were born and I'll love you forever.  Sam started reading I'll love you forever and when he couldn't read anymore, his mom picked up.  And sang,"I'll love you forever.  I'll like you for always.  As long as I'm living my baby you will be."  It was beautiful and brings tears to my eyes just thinking about it.  There was not a dry eye in that room.

Our parents said their goodbyes later in the afternoon.  It was hard watching them say goodbye and leave, but I am so grateful for the quiet moments we had with just the three of us.  We opted not to bring Micah to the hospital.  He would have yanked every cord out in about 30 seconds and would have been doing circles around the room.  We felt it was best to keep him away from the hospital since he wouldn't understand what was really going on.  We got Asher dressed and wrapped him in his prayer shawl.  He also had a crochet lei around his neck, a gift from one of the midwives.  We talked with our sweet boy and prayed over him.  We were given as much time as we needed with Asher and I am so thankful for that.

Around 7pm, we were discharged from the hospital.  The hardest moment of my life was leaving Asher in the arms of someone else.  It was painful.  We left Asher in the arm's of our midwife, who was surrounded by a few nurses.  These people are near and dear to my heart, I'm not sure they will ever know or understand how much they mean to me; they are forever part of Asher's story.  Walking out of that quiet hospital with empty arms was really hard, a feeling no one will understand unless you too have walked those steps.  A feeling I will never forget.  A part of me will always be missing.

And when we walked to our car, there was a rainbow off in the distance.  Yes, we live in Hawaii and see rainbows all the time, but I still am in awe each time.  I never take their meaning or timing lightly.  In that moment I felt the sense of it's all going to be okay.

I can honestly say that I have never felt the presence of God as much as I did that day in that labor and delivery room.  He was there and where we are weak, He makes us strong.  I can fully attest to that.  Looking back, I think to myself, how did we do that?  How did we make it through that day?  There is no other answer, except that we were carried.  In the midst of so much sadness and so much chaos, He was there.  There was a peace in that hospital room that I will never be able to explain.

Though Asher may be physically gone, he will forever live on in my heart.  I am thankful for the promise of heaven and eternity.  I am hopeful that I will see my sweet baby boy again one day.

                                                 

See you Soon

The day Asher was born is a day I want to remember for the rest of my life.  His story is filled with much heartache, but it is sealed with so much love and joy.  July 3 is a day I will never forget, nor do I ever want to forget.  I want to remember every last detail of that day, which is why this post is so important to me.  It may be too much for some to read and that is totally fine.  I am writing this for my recollection because this bittersweet day was one of the best and worst days of my life...a day that has forever changed me.

It all started on July 2.  I woke up in a grumpy kind of mood, almost like I had a funny feeling that something was about to happen.  They say us moms just know these kind of things and it turned out this mom was right.  The ultrasound technician could not find any pockets of fluid around Asher, which meant that it was time to deliver our little boy.  The doctor came in our room and was overly excited and enthusiastic that we were going to have a baby today.  We looked at him with tear filled eyes and thankfully he got the hint and left the room.  I struggled with his happiness, I honestly wanted to punch him in the face.  Did he not understand what all of this meant?  I was only 36 weeks pregnant and delivering our baby meant walking into a whole new chapter I wasn't quite ready to face.

The midwife came into our room with a much nicer and calmer demeanor.  She discussed how we were feeling and informed us that we would be admitted to the hospital today.  She took care of our every need and was extremely helpful with anything and everything we asked.  We were given a large room at the end of the hall, it was rather secluded and away from all of the hustle and bustle.

We were totally unprepared and were expecting that we would at least have time to go home and get our belongings.  That wasn't the case at all!  So after a quick few phone calls and some text messages arranging babysitters for Micah we got everything worked out!  So thankful for family who took care of all the details at home and brought us everything we needed at the hospital.  And especially thankful for dear friends who took such good care of Micah while we were at the hospital.  I am so grateful for all of you!

This started the long long long day at the hospital.  It was around 11 or 12 that they finally started my IV and all that good stuff.  After a few mishaps with the IV, the 3rd one was finally secure and in a good place on my arm.  A gourmet lunch (Wendy's) was delivered by our wonderful family and we were ready to take on the day.

I had Micah when I was 41 weeks pregnant.  My body was not ready or at all prepared to have a baby at 36 weeks, so my body had to play a lot of catching up in a short amount of time.  This was not ideal for me or Asher.  We knew that the induction could take a long time and it did.  By Wednesday evening there was not a lot of progress.  Our families were home sleeping waiting for a phone call to come to the hospital.

After many hours of cards and a very restless night I remember looking over at Sam and getting very panicky.  He prayed for sweet Asher and talked to our little boy.  It had been a while since I had felt him move and because of that I was starting to feel extremely anxious.  We chose not to have a fetal monitor during delivery because it would have crushed us knowing we had lost him.  Our sweet nurse came in and stood by my bedside and held my hand.  None of us had any idea what was going on with Asher, but we continued to be hopeful.

At some point in the middle of the night I opted to have an epidural.  I was not in excruciating pain, but I was extremely anxious and panicky.  The induction was taking much longer than I expected and wanted.  I knew the longer it took, the more stress it was putting on Asher.  I was worried and tired and it was impossible for me to relax.  The epidural calmed me down some and even allowed me to get a little sleep.

The doctor came in early in the morning and stated that the pitocin didn't seem to be working, so they may need to look at other options in the next few hours.  I felt defeated and had this funny feeling that we had already lost our sweet little boy.  At this point it was so hard to be hopeful because labor had been going on for so long and we knew what that meant for Asher.

Our family was still at home waiting for the call to come to the hospital.  We were thinking we would have time to call them when things were getting close, so they could be in the waiting room when Asher was born.  Unfortunately, that was not the case.

Around 9am, one of my monitors was beeping because the contraction machine had run out of paper. The nurse came in and that was when Sam noticed a spot on my sheet and mentioned it to the nurse.  We were thinking maybe the catheter was leaking or something.  My epidural was extremely strong, so I could not feel anything.  The nurse peeked under the blanket and stated that she was going to go get the doctor.  We did not think anything of it.  When they came back in our room, our world came crashing down on us.  The doctor said, "You are really numb.  Asher is here."  Our sweet boy was born into the arms of Jesus at 9:09 in the morning on July 3.  He weighed 4 pounds 3.7 ounces and was 18 inches long.  He was absolutely beautiful.  He was and forever will be our sweet little Asher.  And we will forever be his mommy and daddy.

This is enough for now, but I plan on sharing about all the bittersweet moments we had with our sweet little boy that day and all the love we gave him before we had to say see you soon.