Joy and Tears

Life has been pretty quiet lately and I am extremely thankful for that.  Sam took off a few days this past week, so we were able to soak up lots of time together as a family and bask in the beauty of Hawaii!  Our days have been filled with botanical gardens, water falls, kayaking, beach time, house projects, birthday parties, playgrounds, friends, and just plain hanging out being lazy.  We attempted kayaking in the bay the other day just to see how Micah would do.  We ended up staying out for an hour and a half and had a really good time!  The marina is near the hangars and flight line, so as we were out on the water the helicopters were coming in right over our heads.  It was pretty awesome to see and Micah had a huge grin on his face the entire time!  The past few days have been so nice and so needed.  I think we both were started to feel worn down and really exhausted with everything that has been going on.  I am feeling rejuvenated and ready to kick of a new week.  Yesterday Sam treated me to a massage and today I got to sit on the beach and relax while the boys played in the sand!  It was wonderful.

Last week we had an appointment with the pediatric cardiologist whom we are so grateful for.  He had looked in our file and saw that we named our son Asher.  The fact that he looked in to that and brought it up to us showed us how much he truly cared.  He treated us like we were humans, but most importantly he treated us like he truly cared for our sweet Asher.  He stated that he changed his perspective years ago in regards to babies with chromosome abnormalities.  He understands that some very well do beat the odds and he has been able to witness that first hand.  He said he would do whatever he needed to support us and I know that is completely true.  We even shared with him our terrible experience with another doctor and he apologized for that and recommended another doctor who may be better suited for us.  He definitely was going above and beyond what he needed to do.  So thankful for wonderful doctor's who truly care about their patients.

As far as Asher's heart, he has a VSD, or ventricular septal defect, which is a hole between his lower chambers.  This is something that will not cause him any trouble at the time of delivery, currently his heart is working perfectly fine and is not having to pump extra.  This is something that would require surgery a few months down the road, and if the time comes, that is something we will deal with.  For now, we are holding on to the fact that his heart will give him no trouble when he is born!

Our main concern lately has been when?  When will things happen?  And we brought this up with the cardiologist, despite the fact that he isn't our OB doctor we felt comfortable talking to him.  We stated we wanted our families to be here when Asher is born, but we don't know how to go about that.  He mentioned about being induced and that this would need to be discussed with the team of high risk doctors at their next meeting.  Again, he went out of his way and said he would bring it up at the next meeting!

So fast forward a week, we called in and got the word that the doctors all agreed to schedule an induction at 39 weeks, which will be July 20.  Praying that Asher keeps fighting!  An induction is not ideal, I would much rather go in to labor naturally, but we feel an induction is best for us.  Sam and I need our parents to be here for more reasons than one.  We need their love, their support, their encouragement, their presence.  We need them here to meet their sweet little grandson.  And we need them here in the event that we need to make some really hard decisions, we do not want to do that alone.  So with that said, we are so grateful that all of our parents will be flying in on July 16 and 17.  Already knowing that they have booked their tickets had brought me a great sense of relief.  Also a great sense of fear because I want all of this to work out, despite the fact that I have no control over it.

Life has been filled with so many joyful moments lately, but also so many tears.  We have discussed birth plans and what we want to do in different situations.  It is hard, never in my wildest dreams would I think I would have to be having this conversations with my husband.  We have started the process of contacting funeral homes so we are better prepared.  I know to you that may sound absolutely crazy, but we are strong right now, and I know that if we lose our sweet little boy, we will be so thankful that these arrangements have been taken care of ahead of time.  We are also trying to prepare ourselves for whatever is to come, and that means we would like to be prepared financially for all of this as well.  So instead of planning a nursery and picking out little outfits, we are forced to talk about scary things and make really scary phone calls.  This is real and may be hard for you to read or understand, but this is our life.

It is scary knowing that things can change drastically any minute or any day.  However, we have chosen not to live in fear and are continuing to move forward.  I am over joyed that I am 32 weeks today, our time with this sweet little boy is precious!  I am enjoying every jab, flip, and kick he makes, he sure does make me smile!  And I know he is loving every minute of spending time with his family, especially Micah.

Thank you for the prayers, please continue to pray for our little family!  This little boy may be small, but he is making such a difference in so many lives, and that brings us so much joy.  Please pray for strength for Sam and I, as every day seems to get a little harder.  Please pray that Asher would keep thriving!  Please pray for a miracle for our sweet little boy who we love so much!

Lounging, reading his book

Playground fun!

Walking through the botanical gardens 

Sweet Micah boy!

It's a beautiful day in the neighborhood

Feeding the ducks

Reading with mommy

Playing in the sand

Checking out the waterfall

Waimea Falls

Good morning!

My Faith Will Stand

Been a little few and far between on the blog posts lately.  Mainly because I have been trying to make the most of every day and stay focused on my family.  Micah, Asher, and Sam mean the world to me, and I am making every effort to enjoy the days I get with each of them.  It seems like lately every time I get on Facebook I see a new blog link or a new gofundme site of a child or even an adult dealing with cancer or some life altering ailment.  It is extremely overwhelming and breaks my heart. But more importantly it is a constant reminder that life is so so so very precious and we need to love the time we get with the people who mean the most to us.  I have been squeezing Micah extra tightly lately and making sure my husband knows how much I appreciate him and how truly thankful I am that I get to share life with him.  And of course treasuring every jab and kick Asher gives mommy!  The sweet moments we get as a family are so precious to me and I pray that I will always be able to remember them and cherish them.  I know that my life theme this year is so cherish the time because it can so easily be taken away from us.

I am now 30 weeks pregnant, not sure how that happened, seems like just yesterday I was 20 weeks wondering if I would ever even carry Asher to 30 weeks!  Well, here we are, still going strong!  Thank you God for continue to give us time with sweet Asher, time to cherish him and love him, time for him to be part of our family.  I guess we are kind of in the home stretch right now, which is so terrifying to think about.  I know I am supposed to be excited, but this pregnancy has been so different and I know most do not know what all this is like.  It is hard, really hard to not know what is going to happen.  I so badly want to know how much time we will get with Asher and how this will all play out, but unfortunately I must be patient and wait.

We had an ultrasound this morning, the first one in a little over a month.  Going in to the appointment, I know Asher was alive and well because he is a little ninja boy inside my belly.  However, I was still so anxious and nervous as to what we may find out at the appointment.  Would they see something new?  Overall, the appointment went very well.  Asher mainly looks the same as he has in previous ultrasounds, which is good.  Again, he is not your classic trisomy 13 baby, and we continue to hold on to that glimpse of hope.  It appears that his kidneys are a bit brighter on the screen, whatever that may mean, we do not know, they just appear a little different than typical kidneys.  He was uncooperative today, so we were unable to get a good picture of his heart, but we have an appointment with the cardiologist on Thursday.  There was maybe a little extra fluid in an area of his head, but it was not at an abnormal level, and was nothing that would compromise his life.  It is something that will continue to be monitored in case it gets worse.  All in all, he still looks like a pretty normal little boy in there!  Totally camera shy today and was content curled up in a ball.  His hands and feet were in front of his face and he did not want us to get a picture of his little face this morning at all!!

I had my first taste of those not so nice doctors this morning.  The ones who see these babies as nothing more than terminally ill, and yes she used those exact words when referring to Asher.  It took everything I had to bite my tongue and not say anything to her.  She was extremely insensitive and her words were very hurtful.  We know what we are dealing with, we know the statistics, but we continue to remain hopeful.  This is a real live human we are talking about here, but I got the feeling that we were not on the same page.  Maybe she has never been in my shoes, okay fine, but there was no need to rip the hope out of the room and say well he is going to die for sure.  She is only a doctor, she is not the giver and taker of life.  Okay end rant!  Anyways, I am praying that we can avoid her from here on out because she was anything but understanding and anything but supportive.  She came off as though she did not know anything about trisomy 13, yet she knew our baby wasn't going to live.  Yeah, no thank you lady, I don't want to waste my time with you.  I will stick to doing my own research and continue my motto on surrounding myself with positive people who are going to support us and encourage us on this journey.

Another interesting fact that I have been reading about is how common preeclampsia is when carrying a trisomy 13 baby.  Something with the coding in the long arm of the 13th chromosome that increases your chances.  Preeclampsia is high blood pressure, often leads to bed rest and an early delivery because it can be harmful to both mom and baby.  So another thing that I am now worried about!  Please be praying specifically for this, that it does not happen.  I have a toddler to take care of and he keeps me smiling and busy, I need that right now.  I also know that the longer Asher stays in my belly, the better off he will be.  My blood pressure is something that the midwives will continue to monitor on a monthly basis.  I guess knowing it now helps me to mentally prepare for it in the event that it does happen.

Ended the day with a little retail therapy and few delicious chocolate chip cookies, 2 of my favorite things : )

Every day seems to get a little harder and the weight gets a little heavier, but I am not letting that get to me.  I will not give up.  There is always hope.  The strength I have to get up and face each day certainly is not my own, there is no way I would even attempt to tackle this journey on my own.  Anyone ever listen to the song Oceans by Hillsong?  If you haven't, I highly recommend taking a listen to it.  The words are so powerful.

"Your grace abounds in deepest waters
Your sovereign hand
Will be my guide
Where feet may fail and fear surrounds me
You've never failed and You won't start now"

And that explains why we will continue to keep going and keep fighting the good fight!  Thanks for listening and thank you for the continued prayers in this journey.  I pray that our story touches each of you and changes how you view circumstances and people around you.  We all have so much to be thankful for.  We all are also so broken and fighting our own battles, please know that we are all fighting these battles along side one another.  We are not alone in this thing called life.

And that is a little glimpse into our lives that continue to be shaken to the core.  God is doing something pretty powerful here, don't ask me what, but it is happening!

All Mothers' Day

Happy Mother's Day!  I am so blessed to know so many wonderful mommies and so many wonderful women who have all influenced me in one way or another.  This mommy business sure is challenging and it is so comforting knowing we are not alone when it comes to raising our children.  I am thankful for each of you who I know I can always count on to give me real advice when it comes to being the best mommy I can be.  

Anyways, on a side note, I feel it is necessary to talk about all the stuff no one really wants to talk about.  Mother's Day is hard for a lot of people, me being one of those people today.  I know that today may very well be the only Mother's Day I get to physically spend with my sweet little Asher and it breaks my heart thinking that.  I am beyond thankful and blessed that I get to spend this day with Asher kicking in my belly and Micah on my lap (for a second because he is the energizer bunny).  I know there are many many many many many people in my shoes and today I am praying for each and every one of you.  You are all so special to me.

I always thought that getting pregnant was simple and easy and that being pregnant was a breeze.  Maybe a little oblivious to all the struggles people have and things that can really go wrong.  Over the past few months, I have heard story after story of people struggling.  Some women struggling to have children of their own, others who have miscarried, others who have had long and painful labors, others with severe complications after delivery, others who have lost their own child, and I could go on and on.  All of you are amazing and I admire you so much.  You each have sacrificed so much to be where you are today and that says a lot about all of you.  Your stories, your hearts, your journeys have all been an encouragement to me over the past few months.  We so easily put all of this messy stuff to the back burner and think that mother's day is such a happy day for everyone.  I get it, I know that it is a hard day for so many people and brings on so many emotions of hurt, anger, grief, and just plain confusion.  I am praying for each of you today, God has you right where you are in this very moment for a specific reason.  Hold tight to him and He will see you through.  I pray that you will feel his loving arms wrapped around you today and every day.  I pray that beauty will come of the trials you are walking through.  Thank you for being who you are and for being a mother to so many people, whether they are your own children or not.

Please hug your sweet babies extra tight today, they are truly a blessing!

This mommy business sure is hard stuff!  I know I appreciate my own mom more and more every single day.  On those days where I feel so exhausted from scooping Micah off the table for the millionth time.  On those days where Micah cuddles up beside me and gives me the biggest hug.  On those days where Micah is throwing every bit of his dinner all over the floor and walls.  On those days where Micah's giggle brings the biggest smile to my face.  On those days where I feel like my heart is so full with love.  On those days where I don't know how I will make is through.  On those days where I wonder what we ever did without our children.  On those days where I wonder how Micah and Asher can bring us so much joy and happiness.  On those days where I worry about if I am being a good enough mom and if I am doing enough for Micah.  On those days where I worry about Asher and what will happen to him.  On those days where I feel like super mom.

Thank you mom for being my best friend and the best role model of a mother.  I know that every silly struggle, every smile, every laugh that my children bring me, you too have experienced in the same way.  Thank you for loving me as much as you do, like only a mother can.  I can now say that I honestly understand that type of love.  Thank you for always being there and always supporting me.  Thank you for standing beside me and walking this journey with me in the hardest days of my life.  You are such a blessing to me and to Micah and Asher, we are beyond grateful to call you mom and Grammy!

Grammy and Micah

Mother's Day 2013

Mother and daughter :)

Sweet moments with Grammy

So blessed I get to be this little boy's mommy

My favorite picture ever!

Hanging at Grammy and Poppys last summer

Be Still

I think it is safe to say that I have had some serious writer's block lately or maybe I have just felt like I do not have much to say.  People always tell us we are being so strong and handling all of this so well.  And I truly do appreciate all of your kind words.  But to be completely honest, I just do not feel so strong.  I feel like I am doing my best to keep it all together, but on the inside I feel like life is in a million pieces pulling me in a million different directions.  Here I am at 27 weeks, quickly approaching what will be the third trimester of my pregnancy.  We received Asher's diagnosis almost exactly 2 months ago, I honestly was not even sure we would make it this far, so I am beyond thankful for that!  The process of waiting for what is to come is the biggest emotional roller coaster I have ever been on, it is exhausting to stay the least.  Pregnancy is a beautiful thing, something that women are supposed to embrace and enjoy.  I can honestly say that I have had a hard time with that lately.  I am terrified when people ask me about Asher because I know they are assuming that everything is fine and dandy.  They think that I spend my evenings making a baby registry and creating the perfect nursery for this little guy.  Little do they know, that we have made no preparations for Asher because we have no idea what to expect.  Instead we are forced to talk about our birth plan and what type of measures we want to be taken at the hospital.  The dooming words "trisomy 13" are always lingering in the back of my head.  I wake up every day anxious and nervous all at the same time to feel Asher kicking in my belly because then I know that we have been blessed with one more day with our sweet son.

Some days feel perfectly normal.  But then I am quickly drawn back in to the reality and the seriousness of the road ahead.  The fact that we are always on the edge of our seats.  The fact that we had to officially cancel our plane tickets back to the east coast.  We were supposed to fly in mid May to see our families, but have decided it is best we stay here in Hawaii.  The fact that we have several doctors appointments a month.  The fact that I really do not feel like myself.  The fact that I have no idea what tomorrow will bring.  The fact that it is difficult to plan anything days or weeks out.  Facts are facts.

I have to remind myself several times a day that I am not in control.  This path is exhausting and I can definitely feel it wearing on me.  The verse, "Be still and know that I am God..." speaks volumes to me and I have to repeat it several times a day.  He is not just some homely looking dude off the street, He is God, the creator of all things.  The One who is writing our story right now is entirely in control and actually knows what He's doing.  There are days where I think He is totally crazy and I feel like this is all too much, but somehow He manages to give me the strength and energy to just keep going. It's like how people always ask well if God is so great and mighty, then why does He let bad things happen to good people?  For the record, I consider us to be good people, just thought I should clear that up : )  Anyways, it is building us, molding us, shaping us, into the obedient and diligent followers that we are called to be.  Nothing in life that is worth it is easy and this falls right into that category.  If life was always a walk in the park, then our faith would not be tested, and therefore we would not grow.  The bad always always always has a purpose and always always always produces something bigger and better than we could ever imagine.  So no matter how many crappy days we have, or how many days we feel like throwing in the towel, I am reminded that there is meaning in the struggle and there will be beauty in the struggle.  The real question is how in the world are we so deserving of this grace? 

I want to share this song with you that a dear friend sent to me a while back.  We always have music playing at our house and this is one song that I may listen to a few times a day, okay maybe a lot more than a few, but you get the point.  It is so powerful and so perfectly puts to words how I feel. 

"Though you slay me, Yet I will praise you

Though you take from me, I will bless your name

Though you ruin me, Still I will worship

Sing a song to the one who's all I need "

People probably think we are nuts dealing with Asher the way we have and remaining so positive and hopeful despite what the medical world says.  This song captures why we will continue to worship and praise His name despite feeling that He has taken things away from us and left us quite broken.  He will always be all that we ever need and I know that I need to remind myself of that always because life is so daunting sometimes.  No way we would be where we are without Him, so regardless of what is going on around us, we will continue to be thankful and grateful.

Easter Egg Hunt

Happy Easter!

Easter family picture

Waterfall hike with a baby on my back, baby in my belly, one of my friends AND a almost 3 year old!  I think we were feeling a lot like super mom that day : )

View at the top made it well worth the trek up there, and I do mean up there!

Hanging with daddy before the egg hunt

This is our goofy Micah who brings us so much joy!

Airplane and helicopter book, happiest boy ever right here!

Beach day with friends

Morning smiles!

Checking out the animals at the zoo

Mommy and Micah

Who actually sits in their stroller, standing is much more fun!

Another day at the beach!

Ahhhhhhh

First boogie board ride, I think it was a hit!

Future boodie boarder, making Poppy proud!

Small blessings all around us

This is the day that the Lord has made; let us rejoice and be glad in it.  Psalm 118:24

Each day is a truly a gift!  We have chosen joy and chosen to be happy day in and day out.  Let's see, what have we gotten ourselves into lately?  We have hung out at the beach, played tourist and walked around downtown Honolulu,  and enjoyed good food with good friends.  Oh yes, and it is important for you all to know that I saw my first centipede the other day IN OUR KITCHEN...ALIVE!!!  I will spare you all the picture of the centipede, you can thank me later for that!  Scorpion and centipede can be checked off my list, I'd rather not see either one of them ever again!  Our primary support system in on the east coast, but I am extremely grateful for our small support system here in Hawaii.  We have some really good friends who have been so supportive throughout everything.  People I know we can count on at all times on any given day.  And people who are always down for a cookout and a good evening of laughter.  Thankful for you all, probably a whole lot more than most of you all know!

Anyways, I just wanted to update you all on our latest doctor's appointment.  As I have told you in the past, I really dislike going to the doctor.  It's not that I do not want to see Asher, it's just hard to hear people tell you that your son may not make it.  And then there is always that fear that today is the day.  Today, I am happy to say that it was our best appointment yet.  I left there feeling good and no tears were shed during this appointment.  It was nice to be able to look at the screen and just smile and enjoy watching Asher bounce around in there.

All in all, Asher looked great today!  Honestly, to me, he looked like a normal, healthy, happy, blessed little boy in there.  He even gave mommy and daddy a few smirks while we were peeking at him!  His heart was beating strong and looked good, again, the heart condition does not look as bad as what they thought in the beginning.  My fluid levels were great and he seems to be right on track as far as growth goes.  He is still about a week behind, but in the big scheme that is not too big of a deal.  His kidneys look a little different, maybe slightly larger, but they are functioning perfectly fine.  We got ourselves a little fighter in there, makes me smile just thinking about this sweet little boy.  He is one special guy!  The doctor was amazed at how much Asher does not look like a typical trisomy 13 baby.  This is awesome to hear, but unfortunately doesn't say a whole lot because it is in all of his cells and we will not know how it affects him until he is born.  So confusing and so frustrating!

The sweet sonographer was such a blessing today!  She treated Asher like he was any other baby and couldn't get over how cute his nose and lips were.  She spent an hour with us, when she did not have to do this.  She sent us home with tons of pictures and even hooked us up with a few 4D pictures of Asher's face.  For some reason they do not typically do the 4D pictures, but when I asked her about them she insisted that she would get some for us.  Before we left the room she asked us to roll up all the pictures so other people would not see how many she printed for us.  She totally went above and beyond what she had to do for us today and I am so grateful for that!  These are pictures we will cherish forever.

Sad news, our doctor is retiring and will be processing out in the next few weeks.  We are praying that the other 3 doctors will be just as good and just as supportive as he has been to us this far.

I am currently at 25 weeks, I am thrilled to have made it thus far, but I am also terrified because any day now anything could happen.  From stories I have read, it has ranged anywhere from 25 weeks to 41 weeks and there is just no telling when things will happen.  I am a total planner, so this makes me totally crazy!  Especially knowing that there are plane tickets that need to be bought for parents to come out here and daycare to be figured out for Micah.  But again, I know this is God reminding me that I am not in control and I do not need to worry about the details.  He has got this all under control and things will play out as they are supposed to.

And our silly Micah boy.  Today we dropped him off at the daycare they offer at the hospital.  We trade off between dropping him there and dropping him off at a friends house.  I don't want to wear all of our friends out!  He of course was crying when we left him!  When we picked him up he was sitting on one of the ladies laps.  They said that he would not get down the entire time!  I promise you that this child never stops moving!  I was shocked that he was so content just sitting on their lap the entire time we were gone!  As soon as he saw Mommy and Daddy, he jumps down, starts jabbering and bringing us every car and truck he could find.  Too funny!

Teething boy, falling asleep on daddy, it has been a long time since he has fallen asleep like this!

  

Beauty in the Struggle

How does one have hope when...

-The statistics say that 95% of babies with trisomy 13 are miscarried or born stillborn.  Of those 5% that are born alive, only 5% to 10% make it to their first birthday.

-The nurse in mid conversation says that you are grieving a loss that has already happened when I know very well that my child is still alive and kicking in my belly!

-Most view these babies as incompatible with life, thankfully no one has ever used those terms when talking about Asher, but that is how the medical world terms these babies.

-You have no idea how or when this is going to pan out.  Or what tomorrow will bring.

-There are several times a week where you feel defeated and don't think that anyone really understands you.

-You just want this all to be over with.

I am sure that some of this may resonate with you.  I have plenty of reasons to lose hope and just give up.  But I have one reason not to and that is Jesus Christ.  The One who reminds us that our struggles are heard and that our struggles are meaningful.

Now, let me be honest with you.  When I write my blogs I am typically in good spirits.  I have kept quiet for over a week now mainly because I had no idea what to write.  My thoughts were all jumbled in my head and I would sit down and start writing and just couldn't find the words I wanted and needed to say.  With that said, all of my days are not good days.  I struggle in this journey and I have cried many many tears over all of this.

My sister in law is pregnant and yesterday I got word that the baby may be coming soon.  You know soon as in whenever this little one stops playing tricks and actually decides he or she wants to make their appearance.  I love my sister in law like she is my sister, I consider her to be one of my very close friends.  After my mom shared the news that baby may be born in the next few days I was super excited.  And then the emotions washed over me.  I spent most of the afternoon in tears, not because I am upset that my brother and his dear wife are having a baby.  I am beyond thrilled for them and know that they have been faithful and endured their fair share of trials.  It took me a while to actually figure out why I was crying.  I am still a little puzzled by it because I did not expect to be taken over by so many feelings.  I'm sad because I cannot hop on a plane and be there to see this little one like I was there for my other 2 nephews.  I'm sad because we always wanted to have babies close together so they could grow up side by side and be best buddies.  It kills me to think that that may not be an option.  However, I think the biggest thing is that in my head I always knew okay Melissa is 3 months ahead of me and now all of a sudden she is about to have a baby!  Oh dear, that means that my time is quickly coming and that scares me to death!  I think that is why I was overcome with so many tears because the reality that Asher is going to be here before I know it hit me really really hard.

With all this said, I am not hopeless, I am continuing to be hopeful.  Our God is a God of miracles and nothing is impossible with Him.  I am grounded and I know all of the viable possibilities of what could happen with Asher, but I will never lose hope in our great God.  Just think of all the crazy things we read about in the Bible.  Here are a few good examples:

-Jesus heals the blind man.  Yup, I'd say this was a pretty impossible task, but he knocked it out      with no problem at all.

-Jesus heals the woman who has been bleeding for 12 years.  He says to her in Matthew 5:34,  
"Your faith has made you well..."  So simple, yet so powerful.  She believed and endured and because of that she was healed.

-Jesus heals the leper.

I could go on all night and share many more, but these were just a few that popped into my head.  And this my friends, is why we will never give up hope.  There is a greater purpose in this and for now all we can do is be faithful and seek out the one who knows what He is doing.  I have no clue what I am doing and would not be able to get through day to day without daily seeking Him.  I'm thankful for a loving God who puts up with me always, even on those days where I am doubting Him and doubting my strength in Him.

I felt that I needed to be transparent with you.  I am hopeful and honestly I have no idea what that will mean in the days, weeks, and months to come, but whatever it is I know there is one person who knows what they are doing.  Thank goodness because I know I feel pretty clueless here!  I think it is important that you all know my heart and my faith throughout this battle.  We are fighting the good fight here and there are days where I feel like it has already taken it all out of me.  Nights where I wake up in the middle of the night and can't sleep because I have SO many thoughts racing through my head.  Days where I see a newborn baby and I just want to cry.  Days where I leave my doctor appointment with tear filled eyes feeling so defeated.  Moments where I just want this nightmare to end.  Days where I feel so emotionally and physically exhausted.  Despite all of that crap, I have so much to still be hopeful for and I will continue to bring myself back to that mindset no matter how hard it is.

An update from the doctor world:

I had an appointment with a midwife this past Monday.  Asher's heart was beating perfectly, Praise God!  She measured my stomach and I was measuring at 24 weeks, which is exactly where I need to be!  Another praise!  Other than that there isn't much to say about the appointment.  I felt like I was forced to talk about all that has been going on and honestly I just didn't want to.  It is painful for me to actually voice the realities of Asher.  We have had so many visits with doctors and people that it really wears you out.  She preceded to say that she was sorry and gave me a hug.  It is hard for me knowing that people are feeling sorry for me, I do not want anyone to feel sorry for me.  This journey is not about drawing attention to us or for people to point at us and say gosh I feel really bad for them.  This journey is about our faith and that we have been chosen for this journey for a reason.  This journey is about a family that is remaining hopeful.  This journey is about a family sharing their testimony about how God is present and alive, even when He feels so far away.

Again, thank you for listening to my mumble jumble of thoughts.  Sam and I love each and every one of you so much and it means the world to us that you are walking beside us in this journey.  Next doctor appointment is next Tuesday, so we will update you all again soon : )

Rejoice in hope, be patient in tribulation, be constant in prayer.  Romans 12:12

Daddy and Micah headed home after a fun morning at the beach

Morning stroll around base

Feeling blessed!

Little boy and his first pair of rainbows, rainbows for little boys...I couldn't pass them up!

24 weeks!