See you Soon

The day Asher was born is a day I want to remember for the rest of my life.  His story is filled with much heartache, but it is sealed with so much love and joy.  July 3 is a day I will never forget, nor do I ever want to forget.  I want to remember every last detail of that day, which is why this post is so important to me.  It may be too much for some to read and that is totally fine.  I am writing this for my recollection because this bittersweet day was one of the best and worst days of my life...a day that has forever changed me.

It all started on July 2.  I woke up in a grumpy kind of mood, almost like I had a funny feeling that something was about to happen.  They say us moms just know these kind of things and it turned out this mom was right.  The ultrasound technician could not find any pockets of fluid around Asher, which meant that it was time to deliver our little boy.  The doctor came in our room and was overly excited and enthusiastic that we were going to have a baby today.  We looked at him with tear filled eyes and thankfully he got the hint and left the room.  I struggled with his happiness, I honestly wanted to punch him in the face.  Did he not understand what all of this meant?  I was only 36 weeks pregnant and delivering our baby meant walking into a whole new chapter I wasn't quite ready to face.

The midwife came into our room with a much nicer and calmer demeanor.  She discussed how we were feeling and informed us that we would be admitted to the hospital today.  She took care of our every need and was extremely helpful with anything and everything we asked.  We were given a large room at the end of the hall, it was rather secluded and away from all of the hustle and bustle.

We were totally unprepared and were expecting that we would at least have time to go home and get our belongings.  That wasn't the case at all!  So after a quick few phone calls and some text messages arranging babysitters for Micah we got everything worked out!  So thankful for family who took care of all the details at home and brought us everything we needed at the hospital.  And especially thankful for dear friends who took such good care of Micah while we were at the hospital.  I am so grateful for all of you!

This started the long long long day at the hospital.  It was around 11 or 12 that they finally started my IV and all that good stuff.  After a few mishaps with the IV, the 3rd one was finally secure and in a good place on my arm.  A gourmet lunch (Wendy's) was delivered by our wonderful family and we were ready to take on the day.

I had Micah when I was 41 weeks pregnant.  My body was not ready or at all prepared to have a baby at 36 weeks, so my body had to play a lot of catching up in a short amount of time.  This was not ideal for me or Asher.  We knew that the induction could take a long time and it did.  By Wednesday evening there was not a lot of progress.  Our families were home sleeping waiting for a phone call to come to the hospital.

After many hours of cards and a very restless night I remember looking over at Sam and getting very panicky.  He prayed for sweet Asher and talked to our little boy.  It had been a while since I had felt him move and because of that I was starting to feel extremely anxious.  We chose not to have a fetal monitor during delivery because it would have crushed us knowing we had lost him.  Our sweet nurse came in and stood by my bedside and held my hand.  None of us had any idea what was going on with Asher, but we continued to be hopeful.

At some point in the middle of the night I opted to have an epidural.  I was not in excruciating pain, but I was extremely anxious and panicky.  The induction was taking much longer than I expected and wanted.  I knew the longer it took, the more stress it was putting on Asher.  I was worried and tired and it was impossible for me to relax.  The epidural calmed me down some and even allowed me to get a little sleep.

The doctor came in early in the morning and stated that the pitocin didn't seem to be working, so they may need to look at other options in the next few hours.  I felt defeated and had this funny feeling that we had already lost our sweet little boy.  At this point it was so hard to be hopeful because labor had been going on for so long and we knew what that meant for Asher.

Our family was still at home waiting for the call to come to the hospital.  We were thinking we would have time to call them when things were getting close, so they could be in the waiting room when Asher was born.  Unfortunately, that was not the case.

Around 9am, one of my monitors was beeping because the contraction machine had run out of paper. The nurse came in and that was when Sam noticed a spot on my sheet and mentioned it to the nurse.  We were thinking maybe the catheter was leaking or something.  My epidural was extremely strong, so I could not feel anything.  The nurse peeked under the blanket and stated that she was going to go get the doctor.  We did not think anything of it.  When they came back in our room, our world came crashing down on us.  The doctor said, "You are really numb.  Asher is here."  Our sweet boy was born into the arms of Jesus at 9:09 in the morning on July 3.  He weighed 4 pounds 3.7 ounces and was 18 inches long.  He was absolutely beautiful.  He was and forever will be our sweet little Asher.  And we will forever be his mommy and daddy.

This is enough for now, but I plan on sharing about all the bittersweet moments we had with our sweet little boy that day and all the love we gave him before we had to say see you soon.

My heart is breaking

After a sleepless night, we made our way to our appointment to check my fluid levels.  It seems that with these babies things start changing pretty quickly towards the end, so I was hoping for the best, but also well aware that we may get bad news today.  And so we did.  Last week my fluid levels were at 7, today they had dropped down to 5.

We spent some time with the doctor discussing our options, none of which are ideal.  We have decided to return to the doctor again on Friday to check my fluid levels.  If they have remained the same, the induction will be scheduled for Monday.  If the levels have gone down even more by Friday, then the induction will most likely be sooner.  There is always a chance the fluid levels could increase, but the doctor prepared us that that may not happen since they have continued to go down this past week.

All in all I would say I am pretty crushed.  I knew the day of meeting Asher was coming, but I am not ready.  And this is not how I envisioned everything playing out.  A typical baby without a chromosome abnormality born at 36 weeks would most likely be fine.  However, due to the special circumstances, being born this early is not ideal for our sweet Asher, he is going to have a hard time.  Given that the induction may take a while because I am still only 36 weeks could also be too much for Asher to handle.  All of this is breaking my heart.  I want to meet our little boy, I want to get a chance to hold him and love him while he is still alive.  Please continue to cover our family in prayer, we need it in the upcoming days and weeks.  I know that God is in the midst of this and He is preparing the way for us.  But even still, we are scared and unsure of what tomorrow will bring.

We have spent most of the morning and afternoon today making phone calls and scrambling around trying to get details squared away.  Our families are in the process of changing plane tickets and rental cars.  I am trying to prepare myself in whatever way I can and get as many logistics worked out as possible.  We're thankful for friends who have already said they would help in any way that they can, especially with our sweet, wild, Micah.

We are thankful for each and every one of you and so appreciate your faithfulness and commitment to praying for us on this journey.  I will update as we know more in the coming days.

I Got the JOY

Happiness:  the state of being happy; an experience that makes you happy; a pleasurable or satisfying experience.

Happiness is...
A delicious almond joy latte
An afternoon spent in the warm sun relaxing at the beach
Seeing the ocean outside of your window
Curled up on the couch with a good book
A rainy day that forces you to be lazy and stay inside
My husband coming home from work early
The feeling I get when the house is all clean
Shopping
A new haircut
Bedtime stories with Micah
A big bowl of ice cream topped with rainbow sprinkles
My husband making dinner
A massage and pedicure
Receiving a card in the mail
Micah Micah Micah
Two furry dogs greeting you when you come home
FaceTime with family

All of the above things make me one happy girl, among a million other things I'm sure.  However, happiness is fleeting.  Happiness comes and goes.  Sometimes it stays for the duration of your cup of coffee, other times it lasts for days or weeks.  There's no telling when it will hit you, or why it will hit you, but the feeling of happiness will come.

It will also go away, then what happens?  When your world comes crashing down in front of you, where do you turn?  Do you still feel happy?  Do you throw in the towel?  Do you turn into a miserable person?  Do you self-medicate?  Do you feel angry?  Are you depressed?  Can you be happy in the midst of darkness?

My perfect, content, happy, comfortable little world came crashing down on me just a few months ago.  The days I have endured thus far have been the hardest days of my life.  People call me strong and say they don't know what they would do if they were walking this journey.  People say I have a positive attitude and that our story is encouraging and uplifting, but still they don't understand how we do it.  I got one word for you.

JOY...not to be confused with happiness.

So what is this joy thing?  Remember this song from sunday school when you were a kid?
I got the joy, joy, joy, joy, down in my heart...down in my heart to stay.

The important thing about joy is that it is always present.  It is not fleeting, it is here to stay.  The best way I can create an image of joy is this:  Since we received Asher's diagnosis, our world has changed.  The grief process started, the tears came, and they still do come quite often.  I still struggle with what all of this means, but at the end of the day, I have a peace that passes all understanding.  I don't feel like I should have this peace about Asher because the what could be is truly heart wrenching.  But it is a total God thing, this peace feeling is one that I have heard of, but never truly felt.  And here in the middle of the storm, I have that peace over flowing in my heart.  I have this feeling that no matter what happens, everything is really going to be okay.  I have this inclination that I do not need to worry, that some One much greater than me is in control.  I have this feeling that even in the midst of all this darkness, something beautiful will come from all of this pain and sorrow.  And that is what I call joy in my own personal life.  I am happy about plenty of things in my life right now, but there is also a lot that has rocked me to my core, a lot that makes me unhappy and confused, but that is all okay.  I know deep down that I will be okay.

Happiness can and will be stripped away.  When it is taken away, it forces us to our knees and that is where we find the meaning of true joy.  That is where we find this "thing" that will keep us going.  So where is your joy coming from?



Alright here is the latest with sweet Asher boy.  Today marks 35 weeks.  Last week at our appointment my fluid levels were quite low.  Typically at the point in pregnancy, the levels should be between 12 and 14cm, mine were measuring at 7cm.  At 5cm is when they start to get concerned.  This could be due to Asher's kidneys.  His kidneys have always looked a little different and a little enlarged on ultrasounds, so that could be why my fluid levels are appearing lower.  With that said, we will be going back on Wednesday to check them.  Please continue to pray for us and that my fluid levels would go up so we do not have to be induced earlier.  We are not ready to meet our little guy, we know that the longer he can thrive inside of me, the better off he is.  Please continue to pray that Asher keeps fighting.  I was pretty crushed after the appointment the other day.  I feel like we have made it this far without any real complications, it was painful to hear that things were not going as well as they had been.  Please pray for Sam and I over the next few weeks as there are A LOT of emotions swirling around.  Please pray for our time with Asher, it is our ultimate goal for him to be born alive and to be able to spend some time with him.  Please pray for any decisions that may need to be made as far as Asher's care.  Thank you, we cannot thank you enough for the prayers.

The Inside Scoop

When I started this blog a little over a year ago, we were in the process of some serious changes.  We had a new baby and we were traveling across the country on our way to Hawaii.  I envisioned this blog as a place where I could share what we were doing all the way out here with our friends and family.  A place where we could share our stories and experiences, a place where we could share the beauty of our new home.  Obviously, this blog has turned in to so much more than just that.  Our lives have drastically changed and there is so much more to share on here than I could have ever imagined.  I guess it got me thinking recently about why do I blog and what is this all about.  I think some people think blogging is dumb and it is people who have no lives and just like to sit around and brag about what they are doing and how wonderful their families are.  Hmmmm, let's see, I will be the first to tell you that my family is wonderful and I would not be where I am today without any of them, but that is far from the reason I decided to blog more.  And do I have a life?  Well, yes I actually do!  I spend my days caring for a rambunctious toddler who never stops moving!  I don't get a whole lot of free time just to myself, but when I do, I try and make it productive for me.  And part of me being productive is writing this blog.

So why do I do it?

I blog because it is therapeutic for me.  It helps me to get my thoughts and feelings out in writing because a lot of times what I am feeling or thinking is hard to actually say.  It is a lot like journaling, except I am not keeping them private, I feel it is beneficial for everyone to see the ins and outs of our struggles, and the steps we have taken to work through them.

I blog for my sanity.  I spend my days with an 18 month old who is extremely cute and extremely active.  He keeps me going, in more ways than one, and I love him dearly for that.  He wears this momma out.  He speaks his own little language and is all about anything relating to cars, trucks, airplanes, or helicopters.  So needless to say, we do not have many truly meaningful conversations.  Yes, I spend time with friends, but they are mommies too!  We spend our time together changing diapers, chasing kiddos, on the edge of our seats, correcting, encouraging, supporting, and teaching our children.  It is hard to have a serious conversation in the midst of all the chaos, so this blog is one of my outlets.  Probably helps my husband too because some days I feel like I do not shut up when he walks through the door.  Ahhhh adult conversation, I know you all know what I am talking about!!!

I blog because somewhere out there is a dear family walking this same journey that we are walking.  A family who is unsure of how they are going to make it through the day.  A family who has no clue where to go from here.  I write this blog for them, in hopes that our story can be an encouragement for them.  I pray that our story will reach those that need to hear it because unfortunately we are not the only ones that will have to walk this path of the unknown.

I blog because these are the happiest days of my life.  I have so much to be thankful and grateful for and it is so important for me to focus on all that I do have, rather than what I do not have.

I blog because this is one of the scariest and darkest times of my life.  I am terrified of what is to come and I hate not knowing what the next few months will bring.

I blog because most do not know what it is like to walk down the road we are walking.  I want people to know how it feels to be in our shoes, not so they feel sorry for us, but so they can support us.  And support those around them who may one day walk in our shoes.  No one wants to talk about all this scary stuff, but it needs to be talked about and thats why I share our story.  I share our story so you think about what you say to a pregnant woman who is carrying a baby with a chromosome abnormality.  I share our story so you can love her for who she is and what she is doing.

I blog because we have hope.  No matter what the medical world tells us, or what the insensitive doctor tells us, we have hope and will never lose hope.

I blog because God is doing something pretty amazing in the lives of our sweet little family out here in Hawaii.

I blog because we want all of our friends and family to know specifically what is going on.  It is hard for Sam and I to tell everyone what is going on.  It is so much easier for me to get on here and write it all out, so we do not have to continuously repeat ourselves.

I blog because we all have our battles and trials.  Mine is not any harder than yours, but it is how we handle these battles that matter.  I share my story so people can relate, so people can find encouragement, so people can find strength to face their own storm.

I blog because you are all near and dear to our hearts and we want your support.  I strongly believe in the power of prayer and I share our story so you can pray for us and pray for our sweet Asher.

I blog because I want to remember every step of this journey.  There are days where I go back and read my blog from the beginning because some times I just feel like I am in a dream and don't believe it is all real.  The past few months have flown by, but in so many ways feel like they have dragged on.  Regardless, I do not want to forget any part of this process.  There is a perfect little boy growing inside of my belly, a boy who we created and gave life to, a boy that will forever and always be a huge part of our family.  Despite all of the emotions that have been wrapped up inside of me the past few months, the greatest is love.  I couldn't be more in love with Asher, he continues to bring us so much joy and laughter, despite all that is going on.  He has shown us the true meaning of love and how important is to really love those around us.

Carrying Asher has been such a blessing.  One of the hardest things I have ever done, but I would not trade it for anything in the world.  It was extremely important to me to have a family photo session done while I was pregnant because I wanted to capture us how we are right now.  We are smiling in these photos and happy together as a family, but I know that the emotions go so much deeper.  And I wanted to hold on to those memories forever.  These may be the only pictures we have of the 4 of us together, which makes them so near and dear to my heart.  I opted to get them taken sooner rather than later in the pregnancy because I just do not know how many days we have left with our sweet little boy.  I wanted to share a few of my favorites on the blog because this is a place where I am keeping our journey.  A place where one day I will want to and need to look back on this journey. A place where one day Micah will be able to read and see the the story he was a huge part of.  A place where I can clearly see how God is at work in our lives and using us in a mighty way.  A place where I can just be real and not worry about what people will think.  A safe place filled with so many emotions and lessons, a place that I am forever grateful for.

Joy and Tears

Life has been pretty quiet lately and I am extremely thankful for that.  Sam took off a few days this past week, so we were able to soak up lots of time together as a family and bask in the beauty of Hawaii!  Our days have been filled with botanical gardens, water falls, kayaking, beach time, house projects, birthday parties, playgrounds, friends, and just plain hanging out being lazy.  We attempted kayaking in the bay the other day just to see how Micah would do.  We ended up staying out for an hour and a half and had a really good time!  The marina is near the hangars and flight line, so as we were out on the water the helicopters were coming in right over our heads.  It was pretty awesome to see and Micah had a huge grin on his face the entire time!  The past few days have been so nice and so needed.  I think we both were started to feel worn down and really exhausted with everything that has been going on.  I am feeling rejuvenated and ready to kick of a new week.  Yesterday Sam treated me to a massage and today I got to sit on the beach and relax while the boys played in the sand!  It was wonderful.

Last week we had an appointment with the pediatric cardiologist whom we are so grateful for.  He had looked in our file and saw that we named our son Asher.  The fact that he looked in to that and brought it up to us showed us how much he truly cared.  He treated us like we were humans, but most importantly he treated us like he truly cared for our sweet Asher.  He stated that he changed his perspective years ago in regards to babies with chromosome abnormalities.  He understands that some very well do beat the odds and he has been able to witness that first hand.  He said he would do whatever he needed to support us and I know that is completely true.  We even shared with him our terrible experience with another doctor and he apologized for that and recommended another doctor who may be better suited for us.  He definitely was going above and beyond what he needed to do.  So thankful for wonderful doctor's who truly care about their patients.

As far as Asher's heart, he has a VSD, or ventricular septal defect, which is a hole between his lower chambers.  This is something that will not cause him any trouble at the time of delivery, currently his heart is working perfectly fine and is not having to pump extra.  This is something that would require surgery a few months down the road, and if the time comes, that is something we will deal with.  For now, we are holding on to the fact that his heart will give him no trouble when he is born!

Our main concern lately has been when?  When will things happen?  And we brought this up with the cardiologist, despite the fact that he isn't our OB doctor we felt comfortable talking to him.  We stated we wanted our families to be here when Asher is born, but we don't know how to go about that.  He mentioned about being induced and that this would need to be discussed with the team of high risk doctors at their next meeting.  Again, he went out of his way and said he would bring it up at the next meeting!

So fast forward a week, we called in and got the word that the doctors all agreed to schedule an induction at 39 weeks, which will be July 20.  Praying that Asher keeps fighting!  An induction is not ideal, I would much rather go in to labor naturally, but we feel an induction is best for us.  Sam and I need our parents to be here for more reasons than one.  We need their love, their support, their encouragement, their presence.  We need them here to meet their sweet little grandson.  And we need them here in the event that we need to make some really hard decisions, we do not want to do that alone.  So with that said, we are so grateful that all of our parents will be flying in on July 16 and 17.  Already knowing that they have booked their tickets had brought me a great sense of relief.  Also a great sense of fear because I want all of this to work out, despite the fact that I have no control over it.

Life has been filled with so many joyful moments lately, but also so many tears.  We have discussed birth plans and what we want to do in different situations.  It is hard, never in my wildest dreams would I think I would have to be having this conversations with my husband.  We have started the process of contacting funeral homes so we are better prepared.  I know to you that may sound absolutely crazy, but we are strong right now, and I know that if we lose our sweet little boy, we will be so thankful that these arrangements have been taken care of ahead of time.  We are also trying to prepare ourselves for whatever is to come, and that means we would like to be prepared financially for all of this as well.  So instead of planning a nursery and picking out little outfits, we are forced to talk about scary things and make really scary phone calls.  This is real and may be hard for you to read or understand, but this is our life.

It is scary knowing that things can change drastically any minute or any day.  However, we have chosen not to live in fear and are continuing to move forward.  I am over joyed that I am 32 weeks today, our time with this sweet little boy is precious!  I am enjoying every jab, flip, and kick he makes, he sure does make me smile!  And I know he is loving every minute of spending time with his family, especially Micah.

Thank you for the prayers, please continue to pray for our little family!  This little boy may be small, but he is making such a difference in so many lives, and that brings us so much joy.  Please pray for strength for Sam and I, as every day seems to get a little harder.  Please pray that Asher would keep thriving!  Please pray for a miracle for our sweet little boy who we love so much!

Lounging, reading his book

Playground fun!

Walking through the botanical gardens 

Sweet Micah boy!

It's a beautiful day in the neighborhood

Feeding the ducks

Reading with mommy

Playing in the sand

Checking out the waterfall

Waimea Falls

Good morning!

My Faith Will Stand

Been a little few and far between on the blog posts lately.  Mainly because I have been trying to make the most of every day and stay focused on my family.  Micah, Asher, and Sam mean the world to me, and I am making every effort to enjoy the days I get with each of them.  It seems like lately every time I get on Facebook I see a new blog link or a new gofundme site of a child or even an adult dealing with cancer or some life altering ailment.  It is extremely overwhelming and breaks my heart. But more importantly it is a constant reminder that life is so so so very precious and we need to love the time we get with the people who mean the most to us.  I have been squeezing Micah extra tightly lately and making sure my husband knows how much I appreciate him and how truly thankful I am that I get to share life with him.  And of course treasuring every jab and kick Asher gives mommy!  The sweet moments we get as a family are so precious to me and I pray that I will always be able to remember them and cherish them.  I know that my life theme this year is so cherish the time because it can so easily be taken away from us.

I am now 30 weeks pregnant, not sure how that happened, seems like just yesterday I was 20 weeks wondering if I would ever even carry Asher to 30 weeks!  Well, here we are, still going strong!  Thank you God for continue to give us time with sweet Asher, time to cherish him and love him, time for him to be part of our family.  I guess we are kind of in the home stretch right now, which is so terrifying to think about.  I know I am supposed to be excited, but this pregnancy has been so different and I know most do not know what all this is like.  It is hard, really hard to not know what is going to happen.  I so badly want to know how much time we will get with Asher and how this will all play out, but unfortunately I must be patient and wait.

We had an ultrasound this morning, the first one in a little over a month.  Going in to the appointment, I know Asher was alive and well because he is a little ninja boy inside my belly.  However, I was still so anxious and nervous as to what we may find out at the appointment.  Would they see something new?  Overall, the appointment went very well.  Asher mainly looks the same as he has in previous ultrasounds, which is good.  Again, he is not your classic trisomy 13 baby, and we continue to hold on to that glimpse of hope.  It appears that his kidneys are a bit brighter on the screen, whatever that may mean, we do not know, they just appear a little different than typical kidneys.  He was uncooperative today, so we were unable to get a good picture of his heart, but we have an appointment with the cardiologist on Thursday.  There was maybe a little extra fluid in an area of his head, but it was not at an abnormal level, and was nothing that would compromise his life.  It is something that will continue to be monitored in case it gets worse.  All in all, he still looks like a pretty normal little boy in there!  Totally camera shy today and was content curled up in a ball.  His hands and feet were in front of his face and he did not want us to get a picture of his little face this morning at all!!

I had my first taste of those not so nice doctors this morning.  The ones who see these babies as nothing more than terminally ill, and yes she used those exact words when referring to Asher.  It took everything I had to bite my tongue and not say anything to her.  She was extremely insensitive and her words were very hurtful.  We know what we are dealing with, we know the statistics, but we continue to remain hopeful.  This is a real live human we are talking about here, but I got the feeling that we were not on the same page.  Maybe she has never been in my shoes, okay fine, but there was no need to rip the hope out of the room and say well he is going to die for sure.  She is only a doctor, she is not the giver and taker of life.  Okay end rant!  Anyways, I am praying that we can avoid her from here on out because she was anything but understanding and anything but supportive.  She came off as though she did not know anything about trisomy 13, yet she knew our baby wasn't going to live.  Yeah, no thank you lady, I don't want to waste my time with you.  I will stick to doing my own research and continue my motto on surrounding myself with positive people who are going to support us and encourage us on this journey.

Another interesting fact that I have been reading about is how common preeclampsia is when carrying a trisomy 13 baby.  Something with the coding in the long arm of the 13th chromosome that increases your chances.  Preeclampsia is high blood pressure, often leads to bed rest and an early delivery because it can be harmful to both mom and baby.  So another thing that I am now worried about!  Please be praying specifically for this, that it does not happen.  I have a toddler to take care of and he keeps me smiling and busy, I need that right now.  I also know that the longer Asher stays in my belly, the better off he will be.  My blood pressure is something that the midwives will continue to monitor on a monthly basis.  I guess knowing it now helps me to mentally prepare for it in the event that it does happen.

Ended the day with a little retail therapy and few delicious chocolate chip cookies, 2 of my favorite things : )

Every day seems to get a little harder and the weight gets a little heavier, but I am not letting that get to me.  I will not give up.  There is always hope.  The strength I have to get up and face each day certainly is not my own, there is no way I would even attempt to tackle this journey on my own.  Anyone ever listen to the song Oceans by Hillsong?  If you haven't, I highly recommend taking a listen to it.  The words are so powerful.

"Your grace abounds in deepest waters
Your sovereign hand
Will be my guide
Where feet may fail and fear surrounds me
You've never failed and You won't start now"

And that explains why we will continue to keep going and keep fighting the good fight!  Thanks for listening and thank you for the continued prayers in this journey.  I pray that our story touches each of you and changes how you view circumstances and people around you.  We all have so much to be thankful for.  We all are also so broken and fighting our own battles, please know that we are all fighting these battles along side one another.  We are not alone in this thing called life.

And that is a little glimpse into our lives that continue to be shaken to the core.  God is doing something pretty powerful here, don't ask me what, but it is happening!

All Mothers' Day

Happy Mother's Day!  I am so blessed to know so many wonderful mommies and so many wonderful women who have all influenced me in one way or another.  This mommy business sure is challenging and it is so comforting knowing we are not alone when it comes to raising our children.  I am thankful for each of you who I know I can always count on to give me real advice when it comes to being the best mommy I can be.  

Anyways, on a side note, I feel it is necessary to talk about all the stuff no one really wants to talk about.  Mother's Day is hard for a lot of people, me being one of those people today.  I know that today may very well be the only Mother's Day I get to physically spend with my sweet little Asher and it breaks my heart thinking that.  I am beyond thankful and blessed that I get to spend this day with Asher kicking in my belly and Micah on my lap (for a second because he is the energizer bunny).  I know there are many many many many many people in my shoes and today I am praying for each and every one of you.  You are all so special to me.

I always thought that getting pregnant was simple and easy and that being pregnant was a breeze.  Maybe a little oblivious to all the struggles people have and things that can really go wrong.  Over the past few months, I have heard story after story of people struggling.  Some women struggling to have children of their own, others who have miscarried, others who have had long and painful labors, others with severe complications after delivery, others who have lost their own child, and I could go on and on.  All of you are amazing and I admire you so much.  You each have sacrificed so much to be where you are today and that says a lot about all of you.  Your stories, your hearts, your journeys have all been an encouragement to me over the past few months.  We so easily put all of this messy stuff to the back burner and think that mother's day is such a happy day for everyone.  I get it, I know that it is a hard day for so many people and brings on so many emotions of hurt, anger, grief, and just plain confusion.  I am praying for each of you today, God has you right where you are in this very moment for a specific reason.  Hold tight to him and He will see you through.  I pray that you will feel his loving arms wrapped around you today and every day.  I pray that beauty will come of the trials you are walking through.  Thank you for being who you are and for being a mother to so many people, whether they are your own children or not.

Please hug your sweet babies extra tight today, they are truly a blessing!

This mommy business sure is hard stuff!  I know I appreciate my own mom more and more every single day.  On those days where I feel so exhausted from scooping Micah off the table for the millionth time.  On those days where Micah cuddles up beside me and gives me the biggest hug.  On those days where Micah is throwing every bit of his dinner all over the floor and walls.  On those days where Micah's giggle brings the biggest smile to my face.  On those days where I feel like my heart is so full with love.  On those days where I don't know how I will make is through.  On those days where I wonder what we ever did without our children.  On those days where I wonder how Micah and Asher can bring us so much joy and happiness.  On those days where I worry about if I am being a good enough mom and if I am doing enough for Micah.  On those days where I worry about Asher and what will happen to him.  On those days where I feel like super mom.

Thank you mom for being my best friend and the best role model of a mother.  I know that every silly struggle, every smile, every laugh that my children bring me, you too have experienced in the same way.  Thank you for loving me as much as you do, like only a mother can.  I can now say that I honestly understand that type of love.  Thank you for always being there and always supporting me.  Thank you for standing beside me and walking this journey with me in the hardest days of my life.  You are such a blessing to me and to Micah and Asher, we are beyond grateful to call you mom and Grammy!

Grammy and Micah

Mother's Day 2013

Mother and daughter :)

Sweet moments with Grammy

So blessed I get to be this little boy's mommy

My favorite picture ever!

Hanging at Grammy and Poppys last summer